Back in Aus

I'm back.

Facing the new year with a new spirit.

Its day 2, and I'm feeling the strain - old memories don't disappear so easily.

I need the strength to go on this year...

Change

I've changed.

A lot.

But because of this change, turmoil and fear plague me quite often.

Stop worrying about tomorrow...just stop...

Welcoming 2011

Back to my yearly reflection posts..

As you can see, I'm blogging lesser and lesser. Mainly, this is because too many things have been happening to me that I'm not comfortable with having the general public know.

Maybe one day, what I swore would never happen would actually occur..that I would actually cease writing here. Or maybe not. Lets see where life takes me..

"Looking back on 2009, I wouldn't really hesitate to say I've been through one of the worst years of my life, but also without a doubt, the one with the most new experiences."

I wrote that a year back. And this year, I take that back. 2010 was without a doubt, and even worse year compared to 2009. Drastic encounters & occurrences physically, mentally, spiritually..more goodbyes then hellos..self discovery & self loss..I would say, it was a terrifyingly difficult beginning to a new life.

One thing, though. As I saw the ugly side of life, and the dark, brutal side of human nature again and again this year..I become grateful for the special people who made a difference - who kept me going when all was lost. Thank you..from the bottom of my heart..you guys have no idea how much your encouragement, phone call, email, and just being there to hear me out, make me laugh helped me through this year.

Tina & Yen Mii: You guys saw me through everything..every up, every down..and you guys already know what's in my hear already, shall not mention here anymore..Thanks so much, and I love you guys..

The guys: Thanks for being the brothers I've never had..for always being there even when we were so far apart..for all the support, and for always being so so silly and making me laugh..^^

Gamma girls/Octaves: Lixian, Hui Yen, Chu Luei, Ming Chu, Sharon, etc etc..my sisters forever..thank you for the times you guys came in at precisely the right timing - chatting with you guys really pulled me through my worst moments..( No recent pic with everyone..=( )

J6-ians: Thanks for still making me feel like one of you guys, even though I've left..For keeping up with me even though I'm far away...So many of you guys are leaving..I'm really really gonna miss all of you..

Ipswich-ians: It took me a very very long time to warm up to you guys, and I'm sorry I was really aloof and timid at first. Thanks for never giving up on me..and for welcoming and encouraging me when I finally opened up..

Its the tough times that make you reflect on what really matters, seek for a deeper answer, gain a clearer insight into yourself and the people around you, and build perseverance.

And just to wrap up..more amazing animal experiences from being a veterinary student..

Finally, not forgetting of course, my trusty little ride - Yen Bii ^^, my first car, who's served me and my friends well..

Here's wishing that everyone will have a fulfilling, insightful, and blessed 2011. =) =)

Wise wise words =)

Got this on email. I find it really really inspiring. =)

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe....
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be
the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.


The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have. ^^

Minds

Found this on a post on Vitamins For The Soul, and suddenly saw one phrase that sparked a lightbulb in my mind.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

No wonder I've been feeling like my brain's been awfully stagnant, not to mention degenerating slowly.

And honestly, though I watch my mouth, my ears feel sinful.

But Adaptability is something I really and truly have to learn..after all, seems to me like the end times are approaching and humans in general are getting more and more shallow..To survive in this world, you either have to be confidently different or graciously accepted - and having a combination of being different, idealistic, yet utterly lacking in self confidence is honestly a very bad combination.

Considering I lack the confidence and independence to be able to stand out, I shall use such situations as opportunities for exposure, while not being influenced..a challenge to learn more about this world and not lose my principles. A lesson to slowly start learning to be adaptable, flexible, socially wise, and still find that balance to not lose who I am.

Yosh, I shall persevere!!!!!!

不知道的事 REMIX (by Laura & Shu)

Haha...this is what exam stress does to a person:


我要眨几次眼睛, 才会读得进
Wo yao zha zi ji yan qing, cai hui du de qing
How many times must I blink, until I can finally study
书本洒满了笔记, 但怎样才能记
shu ben sha man de bi ji, dan zhen yang cai neng ji
My books are full of notes, but how can I remember it

我漫行 写你笔记之际
Wo man xing xie ni bi ji zhi ji
As I write down your notes slowly,
没专心没听见东西
mei zhuan xing mei ting jian dong xi
I'm not paying attention, and I didn't hear anything
对不起我却没听好你
dui bu qi wo que mei ting hao ni
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you properly

我不知道我为什么要读你
wo bu zhi dao wo wei shen me yao du ni
I don't know why I have to study you
我坚持不能说就把你放弃
wo jian zhi bu neng shuo jiu ba ni fang qi
There's no way I'm going to give you up
你的累积像倾盆大雨,
ni de lei ji xiang qing peng da yu
You're piling up just like the heavy rain
洒了满地,在眼里清晰
sha le man di, zai yan li qing xi
Scattered all over  the floor, so clearly in my eyes

你不知道我为什么很伤心,
Ni bu zhi dao wo wei shen me hen shang xing
You don't know why I'm so sad
担心着我看不见的成绩
dan xing zhe wo kan bu jian de chen ji
Worrying about my unpredictable results
多的是我不知道的事~~
duo de shi, wo bu zhi dao de shi
There's so many things that I just don't know...


Haha...and this is the ACTUAL song.

Twen-teen

Oddly, I no longer have the mood to do a looong...reminiscing post about birthdays, etc. I just don't have the time.

Today brought a pang of sadness as I reminisced about the teenhood that I would never get back...the birthday celebrations from my childhood that I missed, the boisterous splashings and enthusiastic hugs from high school & college mates - all from the time I loved, and knew I was loved.

Today brought about joy, as my two beloved friends called/msn-ed...loong loong chats that cheered me immensely and reminded me about friendships that I once believed would last forever. I love you guys..I really really and truly do.

Today brought about gratitude, when I thought about the wonderful people who went to great lengths to ensure my birthday was celebrated..Birthdays are made special by the people you spent them with..thank you, guys...

Thank you for the 5 different celebrations: ex-housemates (real & surrogate), Judah 6, Thynne C, Ipswich, & coursemates..and for all the facebook posts, sms-es, phone calls, etc etc...Thank you indeed...

Seeking

I wonder why this blog has been sadly reduced to just reviewing songs that I find meaningful in my life. I guess I never could freely express myself in my blog anyway, but I never forsaw that life would turn so complicated that I no longer could even express an abstract rant anymore.

This is a very famous song by Angela Aki; apparently the equivalent of Vitamin C's Graduation in the western countries. Very motivational indeed:



Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Yeah, it says 15 year old here, but I think it applies to most of us throughout our years. How many of us feel inadequate..feel desperate for someone to confide in, who will listen patiently and won't judge..how many of us wish to return to the time when we were carefree, and comfortable?

In a way, my blog is a letter to myself - a way of keeping track of my own life, reference for myself to look back - remembering how I felt at that time. A collection of my thoughts - and over time, maybe when I finally find what I'm looking for, this will all be a good learning experience to look back on...

Over here, I encounter so many lives that have been broken by catastrophe. And I realized that comparatively, I didn't come out of childhood as whole as I would have liked to either. My life was never devastated by drastic events, but slowly - an accumulation of 20 yrs worth of cracks will eventually break even the toughest stones. And I wonder, which is worse? Suffering a crippling blow in one aspect of life that everyone can see, understand and empathize with, or having unseen cuts accumulating in pretty much every aspect - until you're left in shreds internally that can't be explained nor fully understood. I may not be suffering in the tangible, material sense - but I never knew that so many things in the past: an amalgamation of circumstance, bringup, personality, and environment can destroy a person's emotions until a point where life is nothing more than dread - from morning till night; battling fear, insecurity, confusion, and sheer dejection.

Amazing how I never knew how broken I was, until everything was slowly stripped bare. Pretty much no one before this knows all that has been in my past - I myself was never aware of the detrimental effects of little things a child's life. The little things that haunt you, and become the foundation for all the defensive barriers you slowly gain when you grow. All this while, I always had a place of refuge to instinctively retreat to and lick my wounds - recuperating from the broken side. But when all temporary places of security are stripped away..and it becomes clear what I've been facing all this while..the fear that has always ruled my life..I'm left with realising that there's only a certain limit to how much one can be strong.

The rough seas of youth indeed. And I'm not the only one going through it. Its saddening, frankly, seeing so many people my age broken in various aspects of their lives. My heart reaches out to them..I empathize with the pain, but there's always that sense of helplessness: how do you help, how do you save, when you're broken yourself?

This is new..really. I used to be the one who's strong enough to help others, rescue others, advice others..the one people could turn to who would be the reliable, stable rock. Maybe ignorance really is bliss..I had the issues of that time to deal with, but was blissfully unaware of the little squall lines waiting to crack. It was when all false and temporary securities were stripped away and my wounded self laid bare, that I'm quivering here...in search of something more to feel the void. There's got to be a better answer to this, than "life is suffering", sin't it?

Will I one day see the answer? How do I believe in my own voice, when it has gone unheard for so long? How do I keep on believing, if all that I've been believing in all this while has been eroded away?

The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

I'm not being entirely pessimistic. Maybe there really is a plan in all these. And honestly, I think I really do believe that there is. Maybe this is my only way of convincing myself to persevere.

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Maybe, without all those false senses of security taken away, I wouldn't be seeking for some semblance of meaning, purpose, and security in my life. Maybe seeking is the goal, and the search is the answer. Maybe this is a lesson - an albeit painful one, that I can't keep relying on myself, and all these. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm seeking. And I hope I will finally find it..


Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness...