Paradigm Shift

When Tina first hauled me off to life group...well...I was beyond reluctant - I was downright unwilling.

All this while as I mentioned before in my previous post, my warped views on the religion has never really been good - not from past experience, and not from the 1.5 hours of defending myself and my religion that I had to go through a couple of months back.

I still remember my first night there - dragged by Tina. I was adamant to remain as silent and as insignificant as possible. Determined not to give my opinion in anything, regardless of whatever I was asked. I did not want to be dragged into any uncomfortable situations, and hence I'm pretty sure I was extremely aloof and very timid.

Yet somehow, I have no particular idea why I still went there a couple of other times (remind me to learn to say NO next time) and soon, after the Subdistrict Getaway, I got to know a number of the cheerful Judah 6 people.

I guess the prejudice ingrained in me for many many years, and further strengthened by all my other encounters made me as tense as if I'm in enemy territory when I'm around them. To me, it was pretty simple - I was there as Tina and Yen Mii's friend, nothing more. Overly friendly people are surely concealing some motive behind.

Its strange. I'm not accustomed to people being so "nice", especially not to me who's not even a part of the family. I'm not the kind of person whom people talks to the first time - I'm usually too boring and have nothing to say. Hence, when these "overtly friendly" people started talking and joking with me, even though sometimes I didn't even remember their names...lets just say it was strange, intimidating, but oddly quite warm.

And then, all the help I received during ACL surgery that I didn't expect nor ask for; the encouraging messages, the transport, the surprise visit, the crutches...the time when some of them dropped by during one of my late night crammings with soup and & encouraging letter...Grace's messages throughout exam period...and the fact that everyone didn't shun me away like I expected because I wasn't a Christian and still chatted me up like any other...while I still get uncomfortable during certain situations especially without Tina, Yen Mii, or Esther, I've changed my perception on both the religion, and the people. Its a paradigm shift indeed - no longer do I ward it off like some taboo or cult, instead I find myself incorporating some of the concepts into my own life. I've unwittingly started feeling like a part of them and subconciously realising I kinda enjoy life group. That I didn't have to alter my agnostic, assimilated beliefs just to fit in.

I guess what I'm saying here, is thanking everyone in life group for being so accepting, friendly, and kind to someone like me. Everything you've done means a lot to me, though I'll never express it verbally - too paiseh. =P

Post-Exam Monotony

I forgot to make a proper announcement.

Exams are over. =D

Boredom is sinking in, and other issues that I've been pushing aside during exams are beginning to arise. =(

And being the professional procrastinator that I am, I have yet to actually get started to cleaning up my pigsty of a room - something I will get down to - tomorrow =P

On the plus side, I'm ticking one thing off my list - giving this bloggie a makeover. I would say its still not exactly complete, and I'm probably gonna get down to editing it more, but for now, this will do. The fireworks in the background were taken during Riverfest Brisbane.

The weather here is sweltering hot nowadays...perhaps a desensitisation for us when we head back to M'sia...........

Guilt

I don't get it.

Why am I feeling emotionally disturbed after last night?

I'm 19. I'm old enough to drink, and get to know all the other 18+ stuff.

So why am I feeling guilty, like I've been violating some life principles of mine?

I had my first taste of Vodka. Choked on it too. And had to drink 8-9 shot glasses of (THANKFULLY DILUTED) Vodka. And then felt kinda sedated, uncomfortably warm, and really weird. "Stoned", apparently the word was. It was in a safe environment - a friend's house, with familiar people all around. Guess its not just the drinking...the things we talked about...I don't know...I feel disturbed, when I suppose its supposed to be a normal, social activity.

Maybe that's why.

When I thought, or maybe hoped that I had somehow managed to fit in, I realise that I'm still considered different after all. I'm boring inside out...I get that...but I enjoy the company...I'm trying to be nice and fit in with everyone; how do I do that when I don't get a chance to change who I am?

Sorry for being the boring and annoying one...sorry I never know the right things to say...sorry I'm different...

Broken Hiatus (I should so be studying)

Yes, I'm well aware that I have another exam, and I've never even SEEN the lecture notes before.

I've had HECK of an exam week...I deserve (OK, I DON'T) a short break...

I concede that this time, I haven't done my best. I started studying HALFWAY through SWOT-VAC, and could barely concentrate anyway. Ok fine, I've had a whole rush of bad luck (Leg problems, Food poisoning, Flu), but that does NOT permit me to be so unprepared either. Procrastination oh procrastination...T_T

Maybe I really deserve to flunk this finals...that'll teach me to hit my Panic button a lot sooner next semester...

Exam period has been hell. 6 papers - 3 major ones from 3 different subjects on 3 days consecutively. 3 hours of sleep in 3 days. You kidding me??? We've got to study Animal Welfare, but what about our Welfare???

Safe to say, I flunked those 3 papers. One because I was utterly unprepared (Biochem/Nutrition), one because I was too exhausted to think and had been entirely dependant on past years (Cell Bio), and one.....dun ask.........

Which IDIOT would drown their student ID in the washing machine one day before a major Loco exam, and realise it 2 minutes before entry time? And when your leg's bound up in a metal brace and you know you can't get to the Student Center on time.......

Add that to the fact that the person who was sent to get me to the student center was LATE, and took me to the wrong building. Gah...I should have just walked...would have been twice as fast..

Lets just say my stifle diagrams were zigzag messes, and my hands were shaking for half an hour after the exam......>< ><

And for today's exam......gah, I should have listened to my lecturer when she said "2 out of 3 times when you change your answers in an exam, you were right the FIRST time." Enough said.

Anyway, to my main point of writing this post (when I'm supposed to be studying). I need to scrawl out the gazillion things I'm planning to do after the hols before I go NUTS...seeing status updates on people finishing exams are seriously quite a torture...T_T

Here goes...10 things I SWEAR I'll do after exams.

1. PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!! My poor DSLR has been cooped up in that bag since my surgery...I'm itching and itching to go out on a shooting spree, and I intend to do that IMMEDIATELY after exams...haha...

2. Get down to writing the back-dated blog post I had planned: Musings of an ex-OKU. I found that being an OKU (Orang Kurang Upaya a.k.a. Handicap) for a month opened my eyes on a lot of things.

3. Start playing my guitar again. I've abandoned both my guitar and violin for months, and while I know I won't forget how to play my violin so fast, I'm pretty certain I've forgotten everything about guitar.

4. Video-making. I've got 2 backlog-ed videos I've been planning to complete - a Code Geass one, and a video chronicle of my Auckland trip (yes, I'm THAT back-dated)

5. Take walks outside (Yenmii, you promised...=P). Preferably along the trail I jogged on before the surgery. My leg seriously needs strengthening.

6. Karaoke. I need it. Gotta find people to go along, though.

7. Clean my room. I feel like I'm coming back to a storeroom, considering that I spend 90% of my time in the university.

8. Maybe get a new layout for my blog...haha...

9. Go out and hang out. I'm up for pretty much anything...anyone got any plans? Lol....

10. Anything and everything that I feel like doing on the spur of the moment. Spontaneity, here I come...=)

And my resolutions when I get back to M'sia.....(still a long way to go, but it wouldn't hurt to dream...)

1. Play PIANO. I miss it. (Violin & guitar too)

2. Try correcting Junior's behavourial issues with "Positive Reinforcement" and get the "Kodak Snapshot" =P

3. Practise cycling. I'm probably gonna be cycling a lot in , and I intend to be skillful enough not to fall and break anything else.

4. Exercise. My poor, atrophied leg muscles NEED exercise. So if I'm lying in front of the TV all day, please remind me I what I planned to do...lol...

5. Format and organise my laptop and netbook ready for next year.

6. MORE KARAOKE AND HANGOUTS.....pls pls pls pls......

7. And more and more and more....=D =D

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On a random note, I've been randomly Googling (Gosh, am I really using a Noun as a Verb??) songs that are meaningful and have deep lyrics. Maybe I'm searching for my own meaning, maybe I'm searching for comfort in these songs. Maybe its just another excuse for procrastinating.

I discovered a bunch of songs from an American singer, Vienna Teng. And wow..her songs are exquisite. There's no other word for it. No, don't go downloading her songs immediately - what I find nice is usually what sends everyone else to sleep. But really...her songs are poems entwined in melody; its refreshing to find a singer that puts that much effort into the meaning of her songs instead of the superficial, shallow, head-banging songs we hear nowadays.

Instead of the typical "I love you, you don't love me" angsty love songs, her songs encompass a wide range of issues - fear of thunderstorms (Lullaby for a Stormy Night), abortion (Shasta), cynicity of change (Stray Italian Greyhound), people coping with death (Passage - this song is a bit too haunting for me, though), why...even the love song (Eric's song) she wrote, without the word "love" in it), has such deep, beautiful, metaphorical lyrics- it paints pictures...lol...

And of course, her voice is really good and she's an awesome pianist. =)

I haven't listened to many of her songs yet, but these are the ones I recommend so far

- Lullaby for a Stormy Night

- Eric's Song

- Antebellum

- Say Uncle

- Walter's Song (Homecoming)

- Between

- Stray Italian Greyhound

Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve us as instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize

Unless it has been somehow elusive

We write our own endings, and we have our own scars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's an example of why this singer struck a cord with me. The lyrics below are from Stray Italian Greyhound. This was what the Vienna had to say about the song: (from http://www.warmstrangers.com/vtsongnotes.html)

"I wrote it right around the time President Obama announced his presidential run. At that moment I had this thought of, "Wow, this guy has really good ideas and seems to have a really good heart that will hopefully not be corrupted by politics."

You don't see people like that very often, so I found myself thinking, "I really want to help make this happen." It was such a scary feeling, because being cynical is so much easier. To find myself crawling out of that negative space and suddenly wanting to be part of change that might have a chance of success"

It got me thinking. We've all pretty much 'settled into a glass half empty'. We 'shoot down notions that the world can change', and we put the blame on others. Nevermind about political states in the world or in or own country...or issues that have been going on like racism, animal abuse, etc etc...we pretty much have that "Nah, its impossible to change...lets just live with it" kinda attitude. Apathy is a crime too...if any one of us actually had the courage and initiative to stand up, 'rewrite the rulebook', and make a difference...we can inspire a lot more people to do so.

Enjoy =)

Oh no not now
Please not now
I just settled into the glass half empty
Made myself at home
And so why now
Please not now
I just stopped believing in happy endings
Harbors of my own

But you had to come along didn't you
Break down the doors, throw open windows
Oh if you knew just what a fool you have made me

So what do I do with this?

This stray Italian greyhound
These inconvenient fireworks
This ice-cream-covered screaming hyperactive thought
God I just want to lay down
These colors make my eyes hurt
This feeling calls for everything that I am
Not

I'm not that kind
I'm so good at shooting down any notion
This tired world could change
It's all been bought
Or at least that was my line
No use in spending all that emotion
When there's someone else to blame

But you had to come along didn't you
Rev up the crowd, rewrite the rule book
Where do I go when every 'no' turns into 'maybe'

So what do I do with this?

This sudden burst of sunlight
And me with my umbrella
Cross-indexing every weatherman's report
I was ready for the downslide
But not for spring to well up
This feeling calls for everything I can't afford
To know
Is possible now

What do I do
With a love that won't sit still
Won't do what it's told
What do I do
With a love that won't sit still

Then again, I should probably try to "Make A difference" with my ABSYMAL EXAM PERFORMANCE this time before thinking about anything else. Farewell, Pawprintz, for now....lol...

Of Sheep Wrestling & Turning 19..

I'm entirely sure that when this picture was taken, no one (I definitely didn't) ever thought I'd one day be studying in Australia to be a vet.


My own life surprises me, in many many ways..

Life: its the journey, and not the destination that matters. I'm 19 years into this journey: learning, stumbling, laughing, crying...Life's DEFINITELY not a bed of roses; its a climb, but the view's spectacular.

Browsing through some old photos in a fit of procrastination led me to post a little chronology of how cute-little-me *cough cough* grew up into the awkward youth (oh wait, I'm STILL QUALIFIED TO USE THE SUFFIX -TEEN =P =P) I am now.

Most of the pics below were taken with Shiang & Yeong; it made me realise how much I miss my 2 lil bros and the times we still played together with nothing between us. I guess age just puts a gap in all relationships; sadly....



Annnnnd.......Timeshift!!


I somehow feel that I've SHRUNK.....







If I had my way, I'd be doing a nice and ORGANISED chronology of my own life. But it so happens that I'm exhausted, and well and truly aware that once again, I've wasted the entire day, that I shall leave that for another time. This blog's practically already a diary of my life...hmm....

One thing that struck me, was that I don't really have the anticipation nor excitement I used to have when my birthday drew near, like in the years before. In a sense, I was relieved - finally I'm feeling like I matured enough not to actually get excited like a kid over such things. But another part of me realised that I'm finally too old for the cake splatter/water drenching stuff...to be replaced by dignified birthday celebs and dinners.

The night I turned 18: Without a doubt, the messiest, funniest, but warm and sweet b'day celebration ever..=) I can't believe a whole year has flew by since then!!!!

Anyway, as usual, I remained in Uni until past midnight. My housemates brought a cake at 12am, and we had a little celebration. Thanks guys, I appreciate it =) =)




Anyway, anyone wanna hazard a guess as to how I celebrated my 19th birthday?

I CHASED AND WRESTLED SHEEP.







Did I mention that LAMBS ARE ABOUT THE CUTEST THING ON THE PLANET???

It was an interesting, but notoriously tiring way to spend a birthday, especially since I'm dragging one extra "leg" along with me. However, I was glad to be back in my own group, after almost an entire semester of swapping groups for the sake of my leg.

I met up with Laura and Cass during lunch (thanks for the chocs and the lovely picture). My groupmates gave me a birthday surprise as well when I returned from the toilet and everyone started singing Happy Birthday before presenting me with a HUUUUUUGE and very sweet card - awww, thanks, guys =)

Sheep prac was really fun; albeit me not really being able to take par fully in the sheep wrestling. Thanks to Deeanna and Cathy for giving me the chance to flip one of the sheep (poor sheep..lol..)

That night, I followed Yenmii to her lifegroup after much persuasion...lol..and I'm kinda embarassed to say that I could barely keep my eyes open throughout; I was so exhausted after all the shee work!! Nevertheless, I'm rather touched by the fact that her lifegroup came up with a celebration for me; who's not even really a member...I really dun feel like I deserve it. Thanks, guys =) =) (Took pics with so many people; I'm not even gonna post them here...Facebook, everyone..lol...)

Pic with my Daddy and Mummy. Got abandoned by my other Mummy...Tina was in Ipswich...lol...=P


I wasn't much more rested the day after; on the contrary, I was still feeling like a total zombie. Swee Kee, Danny, and Kai Xiang asked me to head out for lunch in the city - a sort of mini celebration. Apparently, they had already pakat with Tina, and the rest of the Vet Science-ians to surprise me that everyone was in the restaurant.

Haha, I had guessed it beforehand from Ori and Swee Kee, but I was touched that everyone would actually still come out during exam time to celebrate my birthday. We had a satisfying meal, and I had my 3rd cake of the year - getting seriously fat...lol...







Of course, not forgetting all the long-distance phone calls, sms-es, and the hundreds facebook messages..lol..

All in all, thank you everyone (Gatton Sheep Included), for making my 1st birthday in Aussie, and my last birthday as a teenager a memorable one. =)

Now, to dread the upcoming 2-0.......>< Wo Bu Xiang Zhang Da.....

Frustration

I am in dire need of a good dose of moral support, motivation, a caring ear to rant to, and perhaps a good hamstring massage...>< As the days pass, I find my morale dropping. Exams are nearing, and that godawful timetable essentially means I have utterly insufficient time to study.I'm starting to panic, I've never ever left it till so late to even get started on ALL the subjects. Now at this point of time, I'd gladly lag all my stuff to the library and practically just bunk there. Problem is, its hard to lag even a laptop anywhere when you need an arm free for the crutch, and your leg already feels too flimsy to take your own weight. Do you have any idea how frustrating is it to walk? Having to move so slowly gets me awfully annoyed, especially when I know I'm slowing down the people around me. I mean, how frustrating can it be when it takes me a whole half an hour to get to the library??? >< And, pray tell me, how do you study when resting my leg in that flexed position on the ground soon gets it awfully sore, and sitting with it propped up soon gives me a backache!! I have to continuously switch position, and that does NOT help my concentration.. I already have fitful sleep at night and a sore patch on my waist thanks to uncomfortable recumbency positions. It didn't help that the bout of stomach flu I ended up with since 3 days ago robbed me of precious days of doing assignments. Did I forget to mention about that darn physiology assignment? Now seriously...which IDIOT but yours truly can come up with 3000 words for a 2000 word-limit essay, and now find it impossible to cut down???

My best remedy when I'm stressed is to go out and do something different - walk the dogs, jog, meet up with friends for discussion..and well, it seems kinda IMPOSSIBLE with a leg like this.

So people, if I happen to be grumpy, grouchy, and irritable...I apologise in advance...please understand, I'm mentally stressed, physically restricted, constantly uncomfortable, awfully slow, and pretty much unable to do anything properly, and in the face of major exams. Some encouragement and understanding would be very very helpful...>< ><

Finally standing on my own 4 feet

Things are finally starting to go back to normal - I'm back in my own room, which I haven't seen in about 2 weeks. After 2 whole weeks of being pampered, I'm finally free to stand on my own FOUR feet..

These past 2 weeks have been a vacation of sorts - I feel like I've been pretty much staying in a hotel, with my 2 friends caring for my every whim. Frankly, I found the experience stressful - the pain of the injury (which was MUCH LESS that what I expected) was NOTHING compared to the stress of knowing I was being a bother to my friends. There's a million things that I so tempted to say "PAISEH!!!"; I mean, I'm even getting meals brought to me in bed, even after I knew I was ready to get back to living life independently!!! >< Thank you...words can't express my gratitude...I wasn't worth everything you did for me; I could have left after a couple of days, but still you took care of me until I'm pretty much well...Thanks for elevating my leg, helping me down stairs, preparing delicious meals, helping me with physio, even tucking me in bed at night...I really feel very blessed to have been cared for by you both...Sorry for each and every time I was a bother, for taking up space and resources, for being incessantly stubborn and adamant to go out and head to uni, for being so awfully slow and needing you to wait for me...

So anyway, having been pampered for the past 2 weeks by Mummy & Daddy, there are things I'm trying to get used to; once I finish typing this, I'm gonna try to figure out how to carry my laundry to the washing machine with crutches...cooking up meals...and getting used to the fact that my room is a whole lot colder at night compared to Tina and YM's.

Gotta get back to studying, to late nights in the library when my legs and hands can take all the walking again...my results are suffering due to all these surgery stuff - from the preparation, the actual surgery, the recovery, the bills, you name it...

Recovery is far from over, though. On the contrary, its only JUST BEGUN. I'm looking at another half a year of slow and painful recuperation...probably won't be running around anytime soon, but hopefully next year, I'll be able to do all the things on my list

1. Martial arts - maybe something less strenous than Taekwando....Aikido or Jujitsu, maybe? We'll see...
2. Horse-riding..I intend to take up lessons..
3. Jogging. Yes Tina, I'll try to keep up with you this time...\
4. Cycling - Gonna go get a bicycle.

The list goes on and on. But for now, I'm much more concerned to getting life in order again, passing my exams, and regaining range of motion in this leg. Wish me luck, people =) =)