Self Reflection

Stumbled across this again..think I've seen it before a couple of years back, but I still find that it applies..=/

Those who appear to be very strong in heart are often weak and most susceptible..Those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them.

Daily, I feel very "Sien"...feeling that I'm not living to be true to myself nor to the people around me. Feeling that I'm no longer the person I was, that life's getting really stagnant and I'm wasting my time (hard to elaborate, really..)

Laura told me I should stop trying to live up to expectations..stop trying to be perfect. That I should be happy with who I am, and stop living for the approval of others. I guess she's right..thanks for all the level-headed advice you always give me =); but how can I stop berating myself, when I recall that I used to be better than who I am today?

The me I used to know was passionate, was devotedly loyal, was brave enough to stand up for what I believe in, and would help everyone who came by..even if I really didn't feel like it.

The me I am now lost the passion somewhere along the way, and am finding myself living under the shadow of wanting approval, wanting acceptance. Sure..if I reflect on blog posts years back, I've always been one who always feels out of place; the one who craves acceptance but rarely gets it. But still, that old me survived, with the help of great people I met along the way..that old me survived, and even managed to give back to society and to my friends in many ways.

The current me is tied down; feeling stressed (or as Yenmii so aptly puts it: "constantly in motion and busy all the time physically, but within you is that restlessness of not being fulfilled".) Couldn't have described it better myself..I guess...I've always needed to 'live for' something; that gave me the feeling of being useful, being needed, and that was what gave me the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, and the confidence to face the world. And its the little little things that keep me going: previously, living for my library & QM duties..living for the approval of my teachers, and the love of my friends..living for SPCA, and rescuing all those homeless animals..etc etc. Over here, there's nowhere I'm truly comfortable..nowhere that I don't feel the need to live to other's (and my own) expectations..nowhere that I don't feel the need to prove myself, and show that I'm a 'normal' human, 'normal' student just wanting to hang out and have fun like everyone else.

Keeping myself in check for 24 hours on end is wearing me down; I truly yearn for the days I can be myself once again. There's probably no way I can change myself to be a person everyone likes - my personality's too strange, too boring, and too abnormal for that..but I miss the person I was, who at least knew (or had a general idea of) what my purpose in life was. I miss the friends that I could be downright silly and crazy with..I miss being accepted for who I am..I miss the long long chats on exploring the meaning of life and discussing people's personalities..I miss not having to think and strive to find conversation topics to chat about..I miss pouring buckets of water over people's heads..I miss SS sessions where my smile was actually genuine..I miss unrestrained singing, unruly teasing...I Miss Being ME.

Reve's death was a wake-up call..a powerful reminder of how short and impermanent life is. Until today, I still find it hard to believe she's gone...and the fact that someone, who has done so much good in her life (and indeed, I attest once again that she was the strongest, kindest, and most amazing lady I had the chance to cross paths with) could end up this way hits me hard; what happened to everything I believed that good things will eventually come back to good people? Maybe there's something more waiting for her, but how can I, a lay person here on Earth, know that? All I see, is a beautiful lady, an inspiring mentor and a caring friend who was taken away too soon, and too cruelly.

At the very least, Reve's last lesson to me, is to cherish every moment and everyone in my life...to be myself, and to passionately stand up for what I believe in..

I want to find myself again..I don't want uni life to be something I just want to get over with. I want to find back that passion to heal and save, and I want to be the trustworthy, reliable, and generally liked person that I once was.

Wonder how its gonna happen, though...hmmm....