Seeking

I wonder why this blog has been sadly reduced to just reviewing songs that I find meaningful in my life. I guess I never could freely express myself in my blog anyway, but I never forsaw that life would turn so complicated that I no longer could even express an abstract rant anymore.

This is a very famous song by Angela Aki; apparently the equivalent of Vitamin C's Graduation in the western countries. Very motivational indeed:



Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Yeah, it says 15 year old here, but I think it applies to most of us throughout our years. How many of us feel inadequate..feel desperate for someone to confide in, who will listen patiently and won't judge..how many of us wish to return to the time when we were carefree, and comfortable?

In a way, my blog is a letter to myself - a way of keeping track of my own life, reference for myself to look back - remembering how I felt at that time. A collection of my thoughts - and over time, maybe when I finally find what I'm looking for, this will all be a good learning experience to look back on...

Over here, I encounter so many lives that have been broken by catastrophe. And I realized that comparatively, I didn't come out of childhood as whole as I would have liked to either. My life was never devastated by drastic events, but slowly - an accumulation of 20 yrs worth of cracks will eventually break even the toughest stones. And I wonder, which is worse? Suffering a crippling blow in one aspect of life that everyone can see, understand and empathize with, or having unseen cuts accumulating in pretty much every aspect - until you're left in shreds internally that can't be explained nor fully understood. I may not be suffering in the tangible, material sense - but I never knew that so many things in the past: an amalgamation of circumstance, bringup, personality, and environment can destroy a person's emotions until a point where life is nothing more than dread - from morning till night; battling fear, insecurity, confusion, and sheer dejection.

Amazing how I never knew how broken I was, until everything was slowly stripped bare. Pretty much no one before this knows all that has been in my past - I myself was never aware of the detrimental effects of little things a child's life. The little things that haunt you, and become the foundation for all the defensive barriers you slowly gain when you grow. All this while, I always had a place of refuge to instinctively retreat to and lick my wounds - recuperating from the broken side. But when all temporary places of security are stripped away..and it becomes clear what I've been facing all this while..the fear that has always ruled my life..I'm left with realising that there's only a certain limit to how much one can be strong.

The rough seas of youth indeed. And I'm not the only one going through it. Its saddening, frankly, seeing so many people my age broken in various aspects of their lives. My heart reaches out to them..I empathize with the pain, but there's always that sense of helplessness: how do you help, how do you save, when you're broken yourself?

This is new..really. I used to be the one who's strong enough to help others, rescue others, advice others..the one people could turn to who would be the reliable, stable rock. Maybe ignorance really is bliss..I had the issues of that time to deal with, but was blissfully unaware of the little squall lines waiting to crack. It was when all false and temporary securities were stripped away and my wounded self laid bare, that I'm quivering here...in search of something more to feel the void. There's got to be a better answer to this, than "life is suffering", sin't it?

Will I one day see the answer? How do I believe in my own voice, when it has gone unheard for so long? How do I keep on believing, if all that I've been believing in all this while has been eroded away?

The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

I'm not being entirely pessimistic. Maybe there really is a plan in all these. And honestly, I think I really do believe that there is. Maybe this is my only way of convincing myself to persevere.

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Maybe, without all those false senses of security taken away, I wouldn't be seeking for some semblance of meaning, purpose, and security in my life. Maybe seeking is the goal, and the search is the answer. Maybe this is a lesson - an albeit painful one, that I can't keep relying on myself, and all these. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm seeking. And I hope I will finally find it..


Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness...