Pawprintz

Back in Aus

2011-02-27T01:32:00.000+10:00

I'm back.

Facing the new year with a new spirit.

Its day 2, and I'm feeling the strain - old memories don't disappear so easily.

I need the strength to go on this year...

Change

2011-02-02T13:53:00.000+10:00

I've changed.

A lot.

But because of this change, turmoil and fear plague me quite often.

Stop worrying about tomorrow...just stop...

Welcoming 2011

2011-01-01T08:50:00.000+10:00

Back to my yearly reflection posts..

As you can see, I'm blogging lesser and lesser. Mainly, this is because too many things have been happening to me that I'm not comfortable with having the general public know.

Maybe one day, what I swore would never happen would actually occur..that I would actually cease writing here. Or maybe not. Lets see where life takes me..

"Looking back on 2009, I wouldn't really hesitate to say I've been through one of the worst years of my life, but also without a doubt, the one with the most new experiences."

I wrote that a year back. And this year, I take that back. 2010 was without a doubt, and even worse year compared to 2009. Drastic encounters & occurrences physically, mentally, spiritually..more goodbyes then hellos..self discovery & self loss..I would say, it was a terrifyingly difficult beginning to a new life.

One thing, though. As I saw the ugly side of life, and the dark, brutal side of human nature again and again this year..I become grateful for the special people who made a difference - who kept me going when all was lost. Thank you..from the bottom of my heart..you guys have no idea how much your encouragement, phone call, email, and just being there to hear me out, make me laugh helped me through this year.

Tina & Yen Mii: You guys saw me through everything..every up, every down..and you guys already know what's in my hear already, shall not mention here anymore..Thanks so much, and I love you guys..

The guys: Thanks for being the brothers I've never had..for always being there even when we were so far apart..for all the support, and for always being so so silly and making me laugh..^^

Gamma girls/Octaves: Lixian, Hui Yen, Chu Luei, Ming Chu, Sharon, etc etc..my sisters forever..thank you for the times you guys came in at precisely the right timing - chatting with you guys really pulled me through my worst moments..( No recent pic with everyone..=( )

J6-ians: Thanks for still making me feel like one of you guys, even though I've left..For keeping up with me even though I'm far away...So many of you guys are leaving..I'm really really gonna miss all of you..

Ipswich-ians: It took me a very very long time to warm up to you guys, and I'm sorry I was really aloof and timid at first. Thanks for never giving up on me..and for welcoming and encouraging me when I finally opened up..

Its the tough times that make you reflect on what really matters, seek for a deeper answer, gain a clearer insight into yourself and the people around you, and build perseverance.

And just to wrap up..more amazing animal experiences from being a veterinary student..

Finally, not forgetting of course, my trusty little ride - Yen Bii ^^, my first car, who's served me and my friends well..

Here's wishing that everyone will have a fulfilling, insightful, and blessed 2011. =) =)

Wise wise words =)

2010-11-30T16:14:00.003+10:00

Got this on email. I find it really really inspiring. =)

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe....
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be
the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have. ^^

Minds

2010-11-30T15:42:00.000+10:00

Found this on a post on Vitamins For The Soul, and suddenly saw one phrase that sparked a lightbulb in my mind.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

No wonder I've been feeling like my brain's been awfully stagnant, not to mention degenerating slowly.

And honestly, though I watch my mouth, my ears feel sinful.

But Adaptability is something I really and truly have to learn..after all, seems to me like the end times are approaching and humans in general are getting more and more shallow..To survive in this world, you either have to be confidently different or graciously accepted - and having a combination of being different, idealistic, yet utterly lacking in self confidence is honestly a very bad combination.

Considering I lack the confidence and independence to be able to stand out, I shall use such situations as opportunities for exposure, while not being influenced..a challenge to learn more about this world and not lose my principles. A lesson to slowly start learning to be adaptable, flexible, socially wise, and still find that balance to not lose who I am.

Yosh, I shall persevere!!!!!!

不知道的事 REMIX (by Laura & Shu)

2010-11-17T20:06:00.002+10:00

Haha...this is what exam stress does to a person:

我要眨几次眼睛, 才会读得进
Wo yao zha zi ji yan qing, cai hui du de qing
How many times must I blink, until I can finally study
书本洒满了笔记, 但怎样才能记
shu ben sha man de bi ji, dan zhen yang cai neng ji
My books are full of notes, but how can I remember it

我漫行写你笔记之际
Wo man xing xie ni bi ji zhi ji
As I write down your notes slowly,
没专心没听见东西
mei zhuan xing mei ting jian dong xi
I'm not paying attention, and I didn't hear anything
对不起我却没听好你
dui bu qi wo que mei ting hao ni
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you properly

我不知道我为什么要读你
wo bu zhi dao wo wei shen me yao du ni
I don't know why I have to study you
我坚持不能说就把你放弃
wo jian zhi bu neng shuo jiu ba ni fang qi
There's no way I'm going to give you up
你的累积像倾盆大雨,
ni de lei ji xiang qing peng da yu
You're piling up just like the heavy rain
洒了满地,在眼里清晰
sha le man di, zai yan li qing xi
Scattered all over the floor, so clearly in my eyes

你不知道我为什么很伤心,
Ni bu zhi dao wo wei shen me hen shang xing
You don't know why I'm so sad
担心着我看不见的成绩
dan xing zhe wo kan bu jian de chen ji
Worrying about my unpredictable results
多的是我不知道的事~~
duo de shi, wo bu zhi dao de shi
There's so many things that I just don't know...

Haha...and this is the ACTUAL song.

Twen-teen

2010-10-31T03:27:00.000+10:00

Oddly, I no longer have the mood to do a looong...reminiscing post about birthdays, etc. I just don't have the time.

Today brought a pang of sadness as I reminisced about the teenhood that I would never get back...the birthday celebrations from my childhood that I missed, the boisterous splashings and enthusiastic hugs from high school & college mates - all from the time I loved, and knew I was loved.

Today brought about joy, as my two beloved friends called/msn-ed...loong loong chats that cheered me immensely and reminded me about friendships that I once believed would last forever. I love you guys..I really really and truly do.

Today brought about gratitude, when I thought about the wonderful people who went to great lengths to ensure my birthday was celebrated..Birthdays are made special by the people you spent them with..thank you, guys...

Thank you for the 5 different celebrations: ex-housemates (real & surrogate), Judah 6, Thynne C, Ipswich, & coursemates..and for all the facebook posts, sms-es, phone calls, etc etc...Thank you indeed...

Seeking

2010-10-14T11:06:00.000+10:00

I wonder why this blog has been sadly reduced to just reviewing songs that I find meaningful in my life. I guess I never could freely express myself in my blog anyway, but I never forsaw that life would turn so complicated that I no longer could even express an abstract rant anymore.

This is a very famous song by Angela Aki; apparently the equivalent of Vitamin C's Graduation in the western countries. Very motivational indeed:

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Yeah, it says 15 year old here, but I think it applies to most of us throughout our years. How many of us feel inadequate..feel desperate for someone to confide in, who will listen patiently and won't judge..how many of us wish to return to the time when we were carefree, and comfortable?

In a way, my blog is a letter to myself - a way of keeping track of my own life, reference for myself to look back - remembering how I felt at that time. A collection of my thoughts - and over time, maybe when I finally find what I'm looking for, this will all be a good learning experience to look back on...

Over here, I encounter so many lives that have been broken by catastrophe. And I realized that comparatively, I didn't come out of childhood as whole as I would have liked to either. My life was never devastated by drastic events, but slowly - an accumulation of 20 yrs worth of cracks will eventually break even the toughest stones. And I wonder, which is worse? Suffering a crippling blow in one aspect of life that everyone can see, understand and empathize with, or having unseen cuts accumulating in pretty much every aspect - until you're left in shreds internally that can't be explained nor fully understood. I may not be suffering in the tangible, material sense - but I never knew that so many things in the past: an amalgamation of circumstance, bringup, personality, and environment can destroy a person's emotions until a point where life is nothing more than dread - from morning till night; battling fear, insecurity, confusion, and sheer dejection.

Amazing how I never knew how broken I was, until everything was slowly stripped bare. Pretty much no one before this knows all that has been in my past - I myself was never aware of the detrimental effects of little things a child's life. The little things that haunt you, and become the foundation for all the defensive barriers you slowly gain when you grow. All this while, I always had a place of refuge to instinctively retreat to and lick my wounds - recuperating from the broken side. But when all temporary places of security are stripped away..and it becomes clear what I've been facing all this while..the fear that has always ruled my life..I'm left with realising that there's only a certain limit to how much one can be strong.

The rough seas of youth indeed. And I'm not the only one going through it. Its saddening, frankly, seeing so many people my age broken in various aspects of their lives. My heart reaches out to them..I empathize with the pain, but there's always that sense of helplessness: how do you help, how do you save, when you're broken yourself?

This is new..really. I used to be the one who's strong enough to help others, rescue others, advice others..the one people could turn to who would be the reliable, stable rock. Maybe ignorance really is bliss..I had the issues of that time to deal with, but was blissfully unaware of the little squall lines waiting to crack. It was when all false and temporary securities were stripped away and my wounded self laid bare, that I'm quivering here...in search of something more to feel the void. There's got to be a better answer to this, than "life is suffering", sin't it?

Will I one day see the answer? How do I believe in my own voice, when it has gone unheard for so long? How do I keep on believing, if all that I've been believing in all this while has been eroded away?

The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

I'm not being entirely pessimistic. Maybe there really is a plan in all these. And honestly, I think I really do believe that there is. Maybe this is my only way of convincing myself to persevere.

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Maybe, without all those false senses of security taken away, I wouldn't be seeking for some semblance of meaning, purpose, and security in my life. Maybe seeking is the goal, and the search is the answer. Maybe this is a lesson - an albeit painful one, that I can't keep relying on myself, and all these. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm seeking. And I hope I will finally find it..

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness...

If I Die Young

2010-09-21T03:27:00.001+10:00

A penny for my thoughts, no, I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing
Funny how when you're dead, people start listening

No, I'm not being morbid or whatever..I promise..haha..I'm just hooked on the song, and I find it really meaningful. There's a lot we can learn from this.

So, a little "what-if" post here...interesting to ponder about, frankly. What if I were to die young? (I'd want this song to be played at my funeral, for one thing =P) But the main questions would be..am I satisfied with my life so far? Have I achieved enough to say that my time here on Earth wasn't a complete waste? Have I told the people I love, how much they mean to me? What will my demise mean to everyone?

Will I be able to look back and say - I've done all I can, I didn't waste my time, I made a difference? Can I leave without regrets?

To be completely honest, no I'm not ready to leave. I feel I've got unfulfilled purposes in my life - that there are things that I was put on this Earth to achieve, and I'd like to fulfill them first. But if..just if.....

I'd say, I'm proud of the things I've done so far. I can confidently say my life wasn't a waste. I've lived, loved, and made a difference. Yes, things are going pretty bad for me at the moment here in Aus. Worse than I can ever imagine. But that doesn't change the life I've had before..the things I've been through, good and bad, are cherished experiences that I'll never trade.

Life ain't always what you think its gonna be

I guess we'll never know what is to happen, eh?

That's the sad fact, isn't it? We take people for granted; regretting bitterly only when we realise its too late. We realise that we didn't listen enough, care enough..didn't tell that someone who much they meant to us..didn't give that person one last hug. I learnt that the hard way - through Reve's sudden demise, leaving me realising that I never thanked that wonderful woman for being my friend, my mentor, and my role model. It tore me to pieces with regret, and frankly, I've yet to truly come to terms with it.

I don't want that to ever happen, ever again. I've resolved to let everyone I love know how much I love them. If I can muster the courage to overcome to awkwardness..its frankly very very difficult to say those words - I Love You.

My two beloved parents..My relatives and cousins..All my doggies, past present and future...Huiyen, Sharon, Lixian, and the rest of my high school sisters who first taught me that siblings didn't have to be blood-related...Erik, Heeian, and all the brothers I've never had...The study room gang & the Geass-ed 4 who made Intec life beyond memorable..Tina, Yenmii, Laura, Akee, Cass, and and all those who brighten and enrich life in Aus...I could go on and on and on and on and on, if I want to name the number of people (and animals) who coloured my life. But anyway, you know who you are, and I LOVE YOU.

And to those of you reading this..(probably very few, considering my limited updates lately, and utter lack of variety in my posts)..do ask yourself this question as well. What if I died tomorrow? What if, today's the last day I can do all that I want to do? Have I acheived all that I want to achieve? Have I been striving to be the best I can be? Am I loved, and have I loved?

Its not the years you live, but its the life in your years that matter. Friends, live and love as if you were to die tomorrow.

What I never did is done

So, there's no point lamenting on the things I didn't get the chance to do. Those too, have passed.

Gather up your tears, save them in your pocket..save them for a time that you're really gonna need them.

Don't cry for me. It'll break me far more when I look down and see everyone I love upset. Rejoice in the life that I've lived, in the things I've done, the experiences I've enjoyed, and rest knowing that each one of you made a difference in my life.

When my time comes, I'd like to be able to say "I've had just enough time..". No regrets, just the peace to enter wherever I'm headed to next.

If I die young, send me away with the words of a love song.....

******************************

Ok, out of the what-ifs...I'm REALLY GONNA DIE YOUNG tomorrow if I don't finish studying repro for the exams tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! (I cannot believe I'm blogging at this time..ARGH!!

Cya, Pawprintz!!

Respect

2010-09-17T11:47:00.000+10:00

I realised that I can add another thing to the list of stuff I totally cannot stand. At one point, I thought that it was not justified for me to think that way..but after discussing - I realised that if I didn't feel that way, I'd be a doormat.

I can't stand decisions that involve me made without informing me prior..and people who want me to do stuff, but are not the slightest bit bothered to ask me. Going through other people..conveying messages..is plain no respect for who I am. This is what I call as being used (Yay, I finally used that word). I'll usually never say no, but I draw the line at being treated like a dog that just obeys whatever message conveyed to me - at the very least..acknowledge my very presence.

Please Respect Me.

Just saying

2010-09-16T10:36:00.001+10:00

Just saying.

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul

2010-09-10T16:27:00.000+10:00

Many coincidences

One yet-to-be-explained stumble

Many speculations

One yet-to-be-found-answer

Many fears

One yet-to-be-experienced reassurance

A new beginning?

Or a further detour into confusion?

For better

Or for worse?

No, its not over. Maybe it seems that way for everyone, but I'm sorry, its not over. Not for me.
I'm not ready to continue myself.

Could use patient guidance...
Could use unasked-for help...
Could use tangible reassurance...

Could use a pure, sincere, hug...

Merdeka Rantings

2010-08-31T00:00:00.000+10:00

Yes, I still send Merdeka messages to my friends at 12am on the 31st of August. I still get teased for that - but I'm patriotic to an extent and I'm proud of it.

Yes, I'm listening to loops of Keranamu Malaysia, Jalur Gemilang, Setia, etc etc. Go ahead, laugh.

Here I am..having a craving for Nasi Lemak and missing the times we would countdown till 12am 31/8. Recalling the songs we've sang since primary school, and those cute little Jalur Gemilangs that we would wave about.

Hmmm, but sometimes, I wonder where Malaysia's heading to.

All this racism, all this bad-mouthing each other's religions and cultures and chasing each other back to the "home countries".

Its not my heritage that determines my nationality. And to me, neither does my birthplace.

I'm Malaysian, for a lot of other little things. Maybe you would consider these as meager reasons, but I sincerely believe that this is what determines my identity as a Malaysian

I'm Malaysian because I'm multilingual.

I'm Malaysia, because I mix up English, Malay, Mandarin, Canto, and Hokkien words in one sentence..and then struggle to explain it to non-M'sians.

I'm Malaysian, because my tastebuds are adapted to eating ridiculously spicy curry, rendang, and Cili Padi.

I'm Malaysian, because I can't stand the fact that shops close at 5pm overseas, and there is no Mamak Stall

I'm Malaysian because I crave Nasi Lemak and Roti Canai for breakfast.

I'm Malaysian because I get nervous jitters whenever I have to walk out of my house alone - even in broad daylight.

I'm Malaysian because I look like I'm eternally sunburnt..and I take to the sun far far far better than I tolerate winter.

I'm Malaysian because I can look at all those comments about chasing us back to our home country, and stubbornly say that you can't chase me from my own home.

I'm Malaysian, because the importance of race, to me, dwindles significantly next to the importance of nationality. Regardless of skin colour and culture, we are the same. Here, I call myself a Malaysian. Proudly.

When are we going to stop this prejudice? When we refer to other religions as "those people", and secretly call every ethnicity with different names...when we blame each other for all these problems that surface...did we stop to think that we should look as ourselves first? We're all brothers and sisters in this wonderful, colourful, and ocassionally problematic country..but tell me, which country doesn't have its own problems?

But I guess its a good thing..in a sense..that we openly debate our problems instead of killing each other?

I love the dysfunctional, dangerous country I was born in. Regardless of my path in the future, this will never change

Happy Merdeka, everyone.=)

Struggle

2010-08-24T16:57:00.005+10:00

What do you do...when your heart's no longer strong enough to stand by your mind's convictions?

I never knew...that battling with myself was PURE AGONY.

I've run countless, endless debates with myself. Going in circles, deriving no suitable answer.

I've never been this weak before.

My mind's working overtime - even when I'm asleep.

I was born to reason, question, and debate - I've been relentless at that since forever. All this while, I will only fully believe what my mind reasons out, if not, its more researching..more googling..every single clinical case study , physiological process, and reaction pathways in our lectures I debate and reason until they make perfect sense.

I was born defensive, protective, and loyal. I instinctively fight to defend my friends..the people I love...my passions...my convictions...and usually, I successfully do so.

Thing is, my opponent has never been myself before.

My heart's no longer strong enough to stand by my mind's convictions.

Its All In My Head.

I want this to stop...need some stability in my life...need some peace of mind...because no one can continue fighting himself/herself for that long...

Disjointed

2010-08-08T17:06:00.001+10:00

Could really use some stability in my life.

Could really use a good night's sleep.

Insecurity, Fear, Bitterness...

Displaying too many masks, too many facets, too many defenses to the world until I really can't quite find myself under all those layers.

Tired of second-guessing myself, and living under the shadow of approval.

Not the kind who takes the easy way out.

Not sure what I really want.

Where's reassurance, and a nice, genuine hug when you need it?

Self Reflection

2010-07-30T13:46:00.002+10:00

Stumbled across this again..think I've seen it before a couple of years back, but I still find that it applies..=/

Those who appear to be very strong in heart are often weak and most susceptible..Those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them.

Daily, I feel very "Sien"...feeling that I'm not living to be true to myself nor to the people around me. Feeling that I'm no longer the person I was, that life's getting really stagnant and I'm wasting my time (hard to elaborate, really..)

Laura told me I should stop trying to live up to expectations..stop trying to be perfect. That I should be happy with who I am, and stop living for the approval of others. I guess she's right..thanks for all the level-headed advice you always give me =); but how can I stop berating myself, when I recall that I used to be better than who I am today?

The me I used to know was passionate, was devotedly loyal, was brave enough to stand up for what I believe in, and would help everyone who came by..even if I really didn't feel like it.

The me I am now lost the passion somewhere along the way, and am finding myself living under the shadow of wanting approval, wanting acceptance. Sure..if I reflect on blog posts years back, I've always been one who always feels out of place; the one who craves acceptance but rarely gets it. But still, that old me survived, with the help of great people I met along the way..that old me survived, and even managed to give back to society and to my friends in many ways.

The current me is tied down; feeling stressed (or as Yenmii so aptly puts it: "constantly in motion and busy all the time physically, but within you is that restlessness of not being fulfilled".) Couldn't have described it better myself..I guess...I've always needed to 'live for' something; that gave me the feeling of being useful, being needed, and that was what gave me the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, and the confidence to face the world. And its the little little things that keep me going: previously, living for my library & QM duties..living for the approval of my teachers, and the love of my friends..living for SPCA, and rescuing all those homeless animals..etc etc. Over here, there's nowhere I'm truly comfortable..nowhere that I don't feel the need to live to other's (and my own) expectations..nowhere that I don't feel the need to prove myself, and show that I'm a 'normal' human, 'normal' student just wanting to hang out and have fun like everyone else.

Keeping myself in check for 24 hours on end is wearing me down; I truly yearn for the days I can be myself once again. There's probably no way I can change myself to be a person everyone likes - my personality's too strange, too boring, and too abnormal for that..but I miss the person I was, who at least knew (or had a general idea of) what my purpose in life was. I miss the friends that I could be downright silly and crazy with..I miss being accepted for who I am..I miss the long long chats on exploring the meaning of life and discussing people's personalities..I miss not having to think and strive to find conversation topics to chat about..I miss pouring buckets of water over people's heads..I miss SS sessions where my smile was actually genuine..I miss unrestrained singing, unruly teasing...I Miss Being ME.

Reve's death was a wake-up call..a powerful reminder of how short and impermanent life is. Until today, I still find it hard to believe she's gone...and the fact that someone, who has done so much good in her life (and indeed, I attest once again that she was the strongest, kindest, and most amazing lady I had the chance to cross paths with) could end up this way hits me hard; what happened to everything I believed that good things will eventually come back to good people? Maybe there's something more waiting for her, but how can I, a lay person here on Earth, know that? All I see, is a beautiful lady, an inspiring mentor and a caring friend who was taken away too soon, and too cruelly.

At the very least, Reve's last lesson to me, is to cherish every moment and everyone in my life...to be myself, and to passionately stand up for what I believe in..

I want to find myself again..I don't want uni life to be something I just want to get over with. I want to find back that passion to heal and save, and I want to be the trustworthy, reliable, and generally liked person that I once was.

Wonder how its gonna happen, though...hmmm....

In Loving Memory of a Friend, Mentor, and Role Model.

2010-07-05T12:06:00.000+10:00

I cannot describe what I felt, when I woke up this morning and saw that message on my Facebook profile. Still drowsy from a poor night's sleep, I didn't know what to make of the words "Reve is gone".

Instinct made me call Dr Pushpa, who had already figured out what I was calling about. It was talking to her, and then finding that newspaper article in the Star Online, that I realised: the lady I respected as a mentor and a friend, was truly gone - gone in a way so horrible that I cannot bring myself to imagine it.

For those of you who don't know, Reve has been a volunteer in SPCA for over a decade. Few had the passion and dedication she had towards the animals she rescued and cared for, and few had that uncanny ability to calm nervous and frightened animals. I will never forget the sight of the scores of SPCA dogs barreling after her every afternoon when she lets them out for a routine romp; its heartwarming indeed to see these homeless strays so contented and boisterously happy - they know when someone loves them and protects them the way Reve does.

She probably never did remember the first time we met. I was a kid at that time, and at SPCA for the first time with my parents, looking to adopt a puppy. I was smitten with some of the very young puppies and wanted to take them home, but Reve sternly told my parents that there has to be someone 24 hrs at home, if we were to adopt such a young puppy. I remember trying to butt in with my reasons, and she snapped at me: "I'm talking to your mother". Gosh, I still can remember that stern look till this day - even though that was so many years ago. (Thank goodness when I grew up, and started volunteering in SPCA so many years later, she never did have recollection of that incident).

Reve had always been stern, and downright outspoken with visitors to the shelter that surrendered animals unnecessarily, or neglected/mistreated the animals they had adopted. In a way, she was the authority figure I looked to, if I had misgivings about visitors that came to the shelter. I can still clearly remember the number of times she snapped at people that were really going too far; always the voice that defended the voiceless animals she stood for.

Until now, I'm in an emotional turmoil. Shock, denial, numbness, confusion and grief - I've been fluctuating through these feelings ever since I first heard the news. Things like this happen in thriller novels and movies, not in the ordinary lives of us ordinary people. Things like this don't happen to people who are this nice. My mind is filled with "Whys" - unanswered questions, and even more so, thoughts and regrets that there was so much stuff I never did say to this wonderful soul..I know it sounds cliche, but that's the way it is - there's so many things I never did express to her.

I remember the many useful canine handling pointers I learnt from her - getting fussy puppies to eat, calming down agitated animals, among many others. I remember her settling down with her bread and coffee, asking me about my studies..and the genuine happiness she had the day I said I got the scholarship to study vet here in Aus. I remember every time she motivated me; always advising me to be a good vet in the future - someone who would have the animals' best interests at heart. I remember the tight hug she gave me before I left, telling me not to cry and that we would meet again, when I was fighting back tears at the thought of leaving SPCA. I remember how she kept up with my news when I was in Aus last year, through email and Facebook. I remember her concern when I was having knee surgery over here..she never did stop caring. I remember the joyous look on her face when I came back..and how glad I was that she was still the Reve I knew, the Reve I had grown to look upon as a constant in my life in SPCA.

I won't forget everything you've taught me; be it all the animal-skills, the passion and dedication to the causes you believe in, and even your attitude towards life itself (will never forget the carefree way you danced around the table during the Gala Dinner). I give you my word, I will keep every promise I made to you - in your spirit and legacy, to make a difference in the lives of the animals you cared so dearly for. I promise you, I will be the vet you always wanted me to be.

Rest in peace, my friend, mentor, and role model.

Superman Can't Fly

2010-06-14T02:07:00.002+10:00

I realise that I have a tendency to derive meaning from song lyrics. Be it Vienna Teng's amazingly metaphorical ballades, or random mandarin pop songs..I really like it when the lyrics actually mean something. (Instead of typical, sappy, "I love you, you don't love me" kinda songs...=_=|)

Anyway, been hooked on Jay Chou's new song "超人不會飛 - Superman Can't Fly" for a while now. Mainly, it talks about his life as a singer; having to watch everything he does, and deal with being scrutinised and often misunderstood by prying eyes. I highly recommend listening to it, and understanding the lyrics too (link to lyrics and video below)..they're hilarious in some parts, and thoroughly original. =)

Youtube
Lyrics + Translation

Anyway, the part that I really wanted to mention here is the chorus:

如果超人會飛　那就讓我在空中停一停歇
再次俯瞰這個世界　會讓我覺得好一些
拯救地球好累　雖然有些疲憊但我還是會
不要問我哭過了沒　因為超人不能流眼淚

If Superman can fly, then let me stop and rest for a while in the sky
Looking over this world again will make me feel a little better
Saving the world is tiring, but I will still persist
Don't ask me if I've cried before, because Superman cannot shed tears.

How many of us have felt that way in our lives? How many of us have felt that we live life governed by everyone's view upon us..and by the expectations that we're expected to fulfill? In a society that does not look kindly upon misdemeanors, how many of us have slipped and fallen out of line? Fallen short of expectations?

Sometimes, I feel like the weight of the world (at least, the world around me) weighs on my shoulders. All my life, I've felt the need to be "perfect", or as close to it as I can be. Doing well in school. Being 'the good kid'. Obeying parents, teachers, etc. Fulfilling curricular responsibilities. Not falling into the traps of the "budaya kuning" that we've been warned about since goodness-knows-when.

As typical Malaysia chinese city kids. We're pushed to get straight As..get scholarships..learn a gazillion other skills; art, music, gymnastics, martial arts, public speaking...take part in countless competitions...you name it. Parents compare their kids achievements, and inadvertently, the kids grow up competitive - always striving to be the cream of the crop. In a way its good, and I'm sure many of my classmates will agree with me. Without that, we would NEVER be where we are now. But really...is such competition, such pressure, necessary?

To digress, even socially - I've always felt the pressure of being the reliable one. The one everyone can turn to for help, for information, for pretty much anything at all. And being as socially inept as I am, I realise why I'm agreeable despite my own feelinds..why I'm always everyone's doormat. Its because of myself, really. If I'm not what I do for others..would I actually be anything at all?

In the end, most of the pressure that I put on myself, has come from MYSELF. If I had the courage to set my own expectations lower......

Btw, this ISN'T a post to complain about anything..its more a little retrospection on life itself; done in my typical fit of procrastination =P.

Its nice to be the one that everyone can be proud of. Its a nice, fuzzy feeling to know that you're making someone else happy..that people think of you as being trustworthy. Its nice sitting comfortably on the upper rungs of society's critical ladder of personal worth. However, I do wonder sometimes...

What if I'm not who I am now?

What if I'm a delinquent..what if I smoke and do drugs...what if I'm a dunce or a dropout?

I really wonder...what would life be, in that case? Would I be disappointing everyone, or would there not even be any expectations for me to fulfill? Would I expect anything of myself?

Sometimes, I just wish for a little getaway - where I'm not expected to get As, Distinctions, and High Distinctions. Where I'm not expected to be the goody-two-shoes. Where I can be myself, and not worry about scrutiny from family and friends. Where I can say "NO", without worrying about how it might impact my relationship and worth in a person's eyes. Where I don't expect anything of myself.

If I was flying all this while..I wish I can stop and rest for while in the sky...

~~~~~

Ah well, we can't have everything. Done with the "what-ifs". Now..BACK TO STUDYING!!!! All the best with your upcoming exams, everyone..=) =)

PESD - Pre-Exam Stress Disorder =P

2010-06-07T12:19:00.005+10:00

This is what you get, when 2 stressed-out buddies meet online. =P

Thanks for cheering up my night...I haven't managed to crap so so much with anyone for goodness knows how long d...even though we both seriously very lame, but hey, what's life you can't afford to be silly - and enjoy it?

The beauty of true friendship, is having someone that you can be your stupidest and silliest with, and still no they love you all the same~~~ ^^

(There's much much more to this, actually...but this is just the Gist of it...haha..)

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:

yeah...i mis your lame statement

here got nothing lame to laugh at leh
make me so stress
lol

*Lixian * says:
OH, come come, i wan servant too!!!!
hahaa
i'm too stress to say smthg lame too..

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
hahahahaha

*Lixian * says:
oh ada photographer, den i can SS even more
ada cook?

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
ooh..that one dun have o...
sorry lo...
haha

*Lixian * says:
den i'll have ever-ready dinner and lunch
cleaner???
who can vacuum my room, wash my clothes (including handwash)
alarm clock to wake me up
mmm...suddenly miss mum

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
hahahahaha...for you, anything also can.....
cos, i know you love me very much
haha

*Lixian * says:
i'm "USING" you!!!
beware
and say NO NO NO
hahaha, i'm siao dy
training u right now!!!

training START....DING DING DING!!!!

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
hahaha...cannot lah...your effect cannot work on me lah
=P

*Lixian * says:
training u to say NO!!!!!!!!

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
cos if its you, i LAGI cannot say No =P

*Lixian * says:
Teoh Shu Ning, i have exam coming
drive to melbourne or just take place
plane
wat kind of phobia u have, hello 20 year old dy,come on
overcome ur fear la!!! dun act like a baby
fly to melbourne
and cook for me
wake me up at bout 9.30am
i wan my french toast breakfast
with cooked oat
ready by 10am
after i bath

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
omglol....you making me laugh like siao lang here lah!!!!!!! the people around me think i'm mad d...

*Lixian * says:
den guide me in doing revision of Molecular biology and microb
den help me to wash my dark coloured clothes
rmbr to put them into the net
before putting into washing machine
and rmbr to colelect on time

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
eh...you very the cheong hei lah...like old grandmother d...

*Lixian * says:
dun wait til ppl take my clothes out from the machine
if i see that happens, u r so going to KENA from me
kick ur butt off and u shall fly like those anime character
den bout 4pm, prepare some tea and kuih-muih for me

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
LOL!!!!!!!

*Lixian * says:
i wan diffrent kuih muih everyday
Dun say u DUNO
FIND RECIPE FROM INTERNET

dun tell me no com, go FIND!!!!!
den i wan chinese styled dinner tmr!
and play song for me to sleep
please dun use ur own singing
i dun wan NIGHTMARE!!!
Den when i sleep dy
u have to start doing ur own revision so that u can tutor me the next day

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
okokokok....enough......everyone in library really thinking i kisiao d...laughing until like that!!!!!

*Lixian * says:
and most importnatly dun ever think of getting any pay form me
from
this is wat a FRIEND must do for me

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
tonight in your dreams, i go do for you okie? wait for me...hahahahahaha

*Lixian * says:
u, my slave!
DUN GIVE ME ALL THESE KIND OF NONSENSE EXCUSE
i dun wan to hear all thse, not funnY!!!
i wan in real life
u better come in 1hour time!
if not, i potong ur money in netbank

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
lol...you know...its not working.....cos I can practically see you LAUGHING in front of your laptop right now
=P =P
hahahahaha

*Lixian * says:
NO
i'm not!
i'm very serious now
with a super serious face
not laughing at all

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
and you seriously making me look like crazy person here...all the strangers in the library wondering why this siao lang laughing at the computer until like that...
hahahahahaha

*Lixian * says:
dun embarass urself (and me) please SIAO STUPID SLAVE!!!!!!!

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
my this "Master" also gek sei ngo.......make me laugh until i cannot stop.......
hahahahahahaha
i seriously wish you were here
i haven't laugh so much since dunno when also

*Lixian * says:
but ms.slave, seriously can u wake me up tmr, like mayb 9.30am?
such a naughty, not obedient SLAVE

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
can...haha...no problem

*Lixian * says:
U PONTENG JOB
not doing all the work for me

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
Eh...because of you, i travelled 80km to brisbane so that i can meet you one day, thn pay to stay in my friends place so that i can go back the next day leh

*Lixian * says:
I SPENT AUD>;20 over dollar
to go all the way to brisbane which doesn't have much things except my lazy slave
Just to meet that (wait, LAZY) slave again
den have to spent bout AUD1/2 to treat u the bubble tea
den have to eat spicy korea food with u
SPICY leh
and what else

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
and your so called lazy slave take you to so so many places in brisbane, until you so enjoy the whole day also leh...somemore bring you to eat nice food...=P =P =P
and your so called lazy slave teman you at that train station for 1 hr plus, just waiting for the train
When there were 5 of my trains that went past leh..

*Lixian * says:
have tobear with ur "out of tune" voice and sing with u
den have to 'waste' 1 hour waiting for the train
den have to run and catch the bus in GC back hotel
reach hotel so late

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
Eh, I reached home the NEXT DAY leh!!

*Lixian * says:
haha, DID i drive u crazy?

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
=P
nope
hahahaha
again, you're making me laugh like siao lang

*Lixian * says:
OK, good in a way
i know who i can "SCOLD" to when i got too stressed up
MY SIAO NO FEELING LAZY SLAVE
oh ya, the ngam ngam cham cham slave
who always tell me how great she is...
tsk tsk tsk
beh tahan
i wonder why did i employ this stupid siao lazy slave at the first place

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
cos, you love me!!
DUH~~~

*Lixian * says:
I DUN!
i'm not LES
i'm MORE
hahahaha
Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
Haha...yeah yeah...you love me MORE...I know i know...
I love you very much too...^^

*Lixian * says:
no no no
ini slave tak faham english ke
dari Indon?
MUM cakap
AKU TAK "LOVE? mu (=slave)
AKU bukan LES (homosexual)
AKU "MORE" (Banyak)
sounds weird
=.=

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
Lol............you Sayang aku banyak banyak
itu aku faham
tqtqtqtq ya..^^

*Lixian * says:
bukan
haiz..
patutlah u slave aku master
tak faham pun nak die die say u faham

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:
hahahaha...of course...kaua aku bukan slave dan u bukan master...u mana boleh tahan tanpa aku??
dah faham betapa pentingnya slave kamu ini???
HAHAHAHA

*Lixian * says:
MEREPEK!!
FOLLOW MASTER's instruction and stop laughing
wait, i shall update my blog for a while

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:

haha.....dun so distracted...you're supposed to be STUDYING...not BLOGGING...=P

*Lixian * says:

ok,can concentrate in studying dy

go away slave!

i dun need you du!

dy!

(i think this is the 1st time i say smthg so mean)

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:

hahahahaha

*Lixian * says:

and yet the "listener" dun mind

so weird

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:

i guess its an improvement for you then

cos...the listener knows that what you're saying is not in your heart

*Lixian * says:

IT IS!

but the "listeniner" DUN WAN TO LISTEN TO MY INSTRUCTION!

bias listener

Shu SPCA: Stop Animal Abuse says:

and cos the listener knows that if you actually mean what you said...it would hurt you more than it would hurt me

=P

*Lixian * says:

WAH!!!!!!!!!!

dun always think u r so importnat..

u r JUST MY SLAVE!!!!!!!

THERE, SEE??? PROOF THAT I GET BULLIED BY YOU~~~~~~ =D =D

我是誰我是誰 Who Am I??

2010-05-18T21:24:00.005+10:00

This is actually a theme song to a drama Tina's currently following..she asked me to download the song. It was pretty catchy, so I listened to it quite a few times, and once I found out what the lyrics actually meant, I was quite amazed - no song could be more inspiring to me at the moment. Really. This song really really spoke to almost everything I'm going through...

For those of you currently feeling low..feeling that people are belittling you, don't understand you, and are misjudging you - this is for you. We are all unique in our own way, and its our differences that makes this world so diverse and colourful.

Lyrics are below. Credits to Laura &; a website on Google for helping me to fully understand and translate.

我是谁
Who am I?
你是否常常这样问自己
Do you frequently ask yourself this?
我是谁
Who Am I?
总是活在别人的期望里
Always living in other people's expectations
我是谁
Who Am I?
是谁又擅自帮你定义了
Who's the one who determines your worth?
你是谁
Who are you?
只有不是自己才安全
It’s the safest only when one is not oneself.

为什么
Why?
你以为这个世界很美丽
You think this world is so beautiful.
为什么
Why?
你爱这个世界胜过爱自己
You love this world more than you love yourself.
为什么
Why?
这个世界不给你平等待遇
This world doesn't give you fair treatment.
为什么
Why?
到底做错了什么
What did I do wrong?

*朋友都说你太太太奇怪
Friends say you're just too strange
在背后把你当成笑笑笑话看
Making you the laughing stork behind your back.
每一个动作都被瞎猜
Every action is misunderstood.
他们说你是个不能容忍的存在
They say you're an unendurable existence.
你想要的很很很简单
What you want, is really very simple
不过就是最普通的的的平凡
Just something simple and ordinary
诚实做自己有时候很难
Somtimes its hard to honestly be yourself
但是请你勇敢的试一次看看
But please, courageously try it once for yourself

**无论他们又说什么
It doesn't matter what they say
闲言闲语无法伤害我
Gossip will never harm me
世界上只有一个我
There's only one "me" in this world
没人能代替的我
No one can replace me
无论他们又做什么
It doesn't matter what they do
小动作无法打败我
Petty actions will not defeat me
我知道自己是最美丽的
I know I'm the most beautiful.
The most beautiful*

会不会
Could it be
上帝把你的灵魂放错了身体
God placed your soul in the wrong body
会不会
Could it be
是故意整你不是不小心
He did it on purpose, and not by accident
会不会
Could it be
你常常都觉得力不从心
You always have the will to do something, but not the power
会不会
Could it be
坚持要做自己太危险
Insisting on being yourself is too dangerous

凭什么
What do you base on? (when you pass judgement on me)
难道比较特别就是不对
Is it wrong to be special?
凭什么
What do you base on?
先下了注解在认识之前
When you judge me before getting to know me..
凭什么
What do you base on?
只不过想认真的活一遍
I just want to live my life properly for once
凭什么
What do you base on?
随便就把人定罪
When you simply pass judgement.

repeat *, **

(background)
我是谁
Who Am I?
这个问题困扰你多少天多少夜
How many days and nights has this problem bothered you?
我是谁
Who Am I?
谁有资格决定你怎样才是对
Who has the right to decide what's right for you?
我是谁我是谁我是谁
Who Am I? Who Am I? Who Am I?
我就是我你就是你
I'm me, and you're you.
认真做自己的人最美丽
Those who truly be themselves, are the most beautiful.

Tell Me Why

2010-05-16T03:01:00.001+10:00

When I heard this song, it really touched me. I felt inspired..maybe because I already was in a considerably emo mood..but still..its worth a listen..and a good pondering upon...

Only Human

2010-05-15T22:39:00.002+10:00

Just because I'm generally agreeable, doesn't mean I don't have likes, dislikes, and feelings...Just because I smile and laugh, doesn't mean I'm breaking inside..

Its hard to keep up good spirits, when you spend most of your days pretending, and attempting to fulfill everyone's expectations so as to find a place for myself over here.

I feel that I live life teethering on a delicate balance that I myself can't understand. Most days, I miss the friends I have back in Malaysia..those who accepted me for who I was and cherished me for my differences. Over here..when was the last time I had a good, hearty laugh that isn't forced? Or conversations that aren't guarded?

Strangely from what I gather, living life with honour & morality, practising acceptance and doing the right thing isn't actually smiled upon here. Instead, I notice that my inability to gossip, my blur-ness when it comes to obscene jokes, my lack of interest in "normal" stuff like fashion, dramas, people-gossips and alcohol pretty much make me a foreign species to the human race. Helping and making people happy makes my day..but sometimes I wish to be more than just useful...I wish to be liked and accepted as an individual...

It hurts when people chat so happily with one another, but dissolve to silence around you. It hurts when people wait for each other, but really don't notice when you're left behind. It hurts when while nobody wants to wait for you, it is perfectly fine when you're expected to wait. It hurts when everyone gets a choice, but you only get informed about it after everything's decided. Please..sometimes all I ask for is some consideration of me as an individual, especially since I really really care for all of you here....

Its fine..soon I will clamber up again; raise my head and take the punches once again, but everyone has the right to succumb every now and then. I'm only human, there's only so much I can take.

Try living every day life wondering whether you've done right or wrong.

Pretending not to notice, and ignore it when the people you attempt to mingle with look through you, and interact with you like you're speaking a different language altogether.

Realising that while you think that being nice and agreeable makes people like you more, it usually means they take advantage and overlook the fact that you've got feelings, and can get hurt and angry as well.

There's only so long that you can hold up that facade of not-caring, before you have to retreat and lick your wounds. I know my place here..I know I should not expect any more..I know there's nothing I can do..really, all I'm doing here is releasing some pain from these old gashes.

Everyday I pray that I can one day learn to love the people who alienate me now. Its not them I can change..but I could sure use some help changing myself....

2010-05-09T11:29:00.000+10:00

There are often these defining moments in life, when you feel like you've "levelled up" somewhat. Hard to explain, but think of it as an RPG game, where do you do certain stuff that add to your EXP level and soon, you "level up" - cue fancy music and some random display of sparkly lights.

For me, these little things were like getting the JPA scholarship and realised that a path shone ahead from me..stepping into Intec for the first time (first time actually living away from home), boarding the plane to Australia, and realising when I got there that I would be looking at a different piece of the sky for the next year, going for ACL surgery: the first time I realised I was capable of doing such things alone..well, there are many many more, and I guess I could add this new experience to the list: Buying my first car.

I never actually thought I'd be needing a car in Australia until the entire vet school moved to Gatton where public transport is practically NON-EXISTENT. Add that to the increase of price in public transport, and the fact that I commute regularly with Christina down, and the issue regarding our practicals that are always in the weirdest of locations utterly inaccessible by public transport...yes, I need a car.

After all the research and carhunts on the Internet, the hours of travelling up from Gatton to test drive cars, the mechanic inspection, background checks, bargaining, etc etc...I'm finally the proud owner of a 2006 Hyundai Getz 1.6L.

Meet YenBii (Bumblebee II).

Adorable, isn't she?

She came with a very very good deal..unbelievable, in fact..and I'm truly grateful that everything turned out well. I learnt A LOT from this experience..from some automobile stuff, to ways on how to inspect & purchase a used car. =) =)

There's a certain pride when you sign the papers, get the keys, and finally drive off. Cheers for Doris & Bumblebee, who drove me to pick YenBii up, and we jokingly said that it was a sweet first date between the two yellow cars. And to Diana who bargained for the AMAZINGLY low price, Yan for taking me to test drive the car before this, and Tina for being the guinea pig passenger..haha..

YenBii, meet BumbleBee

Keys =)

And the little bee's first flight was to the city & fortitude valley!! Had awesome food, and all in good time too..hahaha..

And officially, I have my first car!! Good investment in the long run, I must say, and good practise in responsibility too.

In Loving Memory of a Friend, Mentor, and Role Model.

2010-05-04T14:27:00.000+10:00

Lone Wolf

2010-04-21T17:06:00.000+10:00

I realise I live life subjected to people's views and thoughts.

Goodness knows how many years I've moaned about my inability to thrive on my own company..I seem thrive on tagging along with people I love and trust; a slight irritable glare, or unusual silence, or even a snap or two can quickly send me into cortisol-shooting levels of stress. Most of the things I do, and the things I like/dislike are somehow based on other's opinions, and when I ponder upon it, I've put many aspects of my life on hold just in the craving of acceptance, though no one frankly does. Yeah, I'm that pathetic.

I'm too much of a pack member. And when I don't have a pack to care for and rely on, I find myself slinking around in deep insecurity. That's pretty much what I've been doing since the beginning of last year.

I admire people who can go off by themselves; joining in whenever they want to and yet still command respect and liking. Me, if I decided to go off by myself (not that I would EVER want to), I can probably be decomposing away in my room and no one would ever notice.

When will this agony end? This second guessing, this dejection when I keep thinking I've done something socially inept and inadequate?

Back to what I mentioned yesterday..when can I define myself by something else, rather than what others make me out to be?

2010-04-20T02:41:00.000+10:00

When I scrolled down my blog after posting the last post, I realised - I haven't blogged in A MONTH!!!!

For some strange reason, that really bothers me...but to look on the good side, I hope that all this hiatus has FINALLY decreased my reader list, and made this blog safe for my own emotional rants again.

Anyway, just a random note.

I wonder what defines myself?

My personality? My appearance? My genetic composition? My beliefs? My passions? My talents? My achievements? My friends?

All seem so fluid..so changeable with time and tide...

So what defines my place in this world? What makes me concrete, and not some whiff of substance-less mist that will one day billow away?

And here on...leads to the age old question...what is the purpose of life??

Well, I've solved it for myself before this anyway; "To live for others..to have as happy a life as possible..to fulfill my full potential, and whatever my role is in this grand scheme of life."

Sounds so cliche.

Just a random 3 minute thought before bed...Good night, everyone..=)

Tao of Kiasu-ism

2010-04-20T02:32:00.000+10:00

Just came back from worm trading

Yep, you heard me right..I just traded my barber's poleworm & kangaroo worm (labio strongylus) [that had originally come from another coursemate]; for a couple of foal roundworms.

So as of now, my parasite collection assignment is complete. Just gotta identify the exact species of the dugong worm, tapeworm, and foal worm, and I'm all done. As I type this, I'm glancing at the vials of parasites proudly displayed on my table; Dugong worm, Foal worm, Tapeworm, Barber's poleworm, kangaroo worm, Coffin fly, Blow fly, Buffalo fly, Buffalo fly maggot, Cat flea, Dog Tick, Cattle tick, and even a random mosquito =D

Yeah, vet school life is all about exchanging, group studying, working together, etc etc. Its so different from the education system I was brought up in - that rat race of youths that emphasises that you be the best. Or else.

I guess I'm the oxymoron in all this. I'm kiasu, yet I don't follow the "laws" of kiasuism.

I'm painfully kiasu - I admit that. A result from being brought up in a typical Asian family, and from pretty much (I know I sound like I'm bragging here) scoring top results most of the time. I don't fail exams..I've yet to get through any major academic exam with anything lower than an A/distinction (TOUCHWOOD). Yet to actually fail any exam - not PTS, not the scholarship interviews I've been to. So yeah, I guess I've been exceedingly lucky..but all these come at a price - at any moment when my results have been below what's expected of me; I berate myself over it.

And here comes the oxymoron..I'm not the typical kiasu student who has all that drive to study..who self studies and pushes his/herself to the top. I'm the kind who thrives on teaching others, for some strange reason. I'm EXTREMELY lazy, and a professional procrastinator....and usually, the stuff I score best are the things that I've taught people. I love teaching..it makes me feel good to help others..and hence, I can never EVER stand other typically kiasu students who push ahead, and forget about others around them. It stresses me out, and it makes me feel like I'm living around people I can't trust. I miss the time in the study room; when we taught each other, encouraged each other, and everyone benefited out of it. Win-win situation.

So sometimes I wonder - am I kiasu, or am I not? I'm pretty sure I am. I'm not that unselfish. And sometimes, I feel really bad about it. At times (during critical one-night-before-exam-and-I'm-so-NOT-prepared-states), I get considerably impatient over questions that a either irrelevant, or overly-repetitive. Couple that with lack of sleep, and I assume that my annoyance is actually visible. But then, I really REALLY feel bad about it. The wave of annoyance is instinctive, but I'm learning to curb it.

When I don't score as good as I should in exams, I berate myself over it. Its not the results...its because I know that I haven't been putting in the effort, and I KNOW could have done so much better had I just left off Facebook and got started that much earlier!!! Jeez!!!

So I guess, I'm kiasu with myself. I frankly don't care how much better everyone else does; in fact, I'd love it if we all could score well together. But, I get really really annoyed when I don't score to my own potential (which is pretty often, since Intec); and I realise I could have done so much better.

Speaking of that - and I'm sure every other above-average student will agree with me..let me emphasise this...

When I saw I'm unprepared, I REALLY AM FEELING UNPREPARED. I've had enough of people (and mind you, there's a lot of them)always scoffing me when I moan about being unprepared, and start harping over it if I get considerably all-right results. My definition of prepared's not the same as yours, and when I say I'm unprepared..I REALLY AM, by my standards.

Anyway, I forgot what actually made me start this post in the first place..just a desire to keep this poor bloggie alive? Lol...

Weekend Back in Civilisation =)

2010-03-22T02:31:00.001+10:00

Came back to St Lucia for the entire weekend to attend a Traditional Chinese Veterinary Medicine course. Gained an overview of acupuncture, as well as all the yin, yang, qi stuff...oh, and how to read tongues, traditional herbs & body massage too...

Well, I had my doubts...but I've got no regrets - I learnt a lot, and I actually find myself really interested in it. I find that the knowledge I gained can be applied both to animals, as well as to my own health and well-being. (I actually found myself analysing the yin-yang properties of everything on my dinner plate earlier...lol...) Oh yeah, and I got acupuncture-d too. XP

Anyway, I took the opportunity to follow Yenmii to lifegroup (Tina you traitor =P) considering that I was back on Friday evening. It was really nice being back in Judah 6....

And on a more hilarious note: we kinda decided to attend to Fac Day night event...so there we were in Nanano's car, all ready to set off. After we picked Cathy, though, Nanano received an SMS saying that Fac Day was LOOONG over.....O_o""

So what were we to do? Headed back to IH (International House in St Lucia), and took silly, random, crazy pics just to comemorate Fac Day...hahaha.....

Little Revelations...

2010-03-17T20:51:00.001+10:00

I sat there, listening to the talk on Bat Conservation. I then realised that somewhere along the way, I lost my passion and the burning fury I had - buried beneath the petty woes of daily life here.

I stood there, fondling the huge head that gently snuffled me and nudged me for more grass. I then recalled the simple, genuine love an animal gives you - so much less complicated than human nature.

I gazed upon the beautiful sunset - a fiery orange glow that slowly descended..throwing a reddish hue on the surrounding clouds. I was then reminded, of the beauty of mother nature, and how absolutely lucky I am to have enjoy such view during a casual jog.

I had a chat with two dear old friends;discussing each other's problems and reassuring each other. I then pondered that true beauty of true friendship lies in being able to tease without squabbles, act silly without feeling silly, and accepting that every imperfection makes everyone perfect as who they are.

I pull myself through everyday life; each and every time wondering what I did wrong..why, oh why am I being treated this way. Continuous observations led me to conclude that we should all share our similarities, celebrate our differences. Its individuality that makes this world colourful, its hostility that turns it a dull gray.

I stood beneath the wondrous night sky - the refreshing night wind that gently billowed beneath the star filled sky..so vast, millions of glimmering lights adorning the curtain of black; extending to the far reaches of my very gaze..and beneath Orion's constellation I thought; this world, is indeed beautiful...it just takes a step out of the sheltered walls to discover a new wonder you've never seen before.....

Why

2010-03-15T23:12:00.000+10:00

In daily life, there can be many questions that make you really REALLY wanna berate yourself for all that stupidity. ...

Why did I sign up to tutor BOTH BIOC2011 and AGRC2001 - especially when I've never even done AGRC before??

Why do I continue to online, procrastinate & facebook, even though I'm pretty much utterly deprived of time?

Why do I still doze off in class, regardless of how many hours I sleep?

Why do I linger, when leaving may have been better?

Why let myself be bothered?

Why can't I let go?

~~~~~~

When can I find the courage...to start living for myself?

Country Life in Gatton Campus

2010-03-12T17:43:00.000+10:00

Its quite about time I updated about my life over here in this peaceful countryside. University of Queensland Gatton campus...I had my doubts about coming here, but now I must say that I have no regrets - this place is indeed beautiful...

Ok, behold my room (Its really really small, actually...barely room to walk...next time remind me not to use a wide angle lens...distorts the photo...)

Ok.....I'm actually blogging this during a lecture break, so let me just give a brief overview on my life here.

Living on campus presents quite a new level of convenience that I'm unused to; considering I can easily head back to my room between lectures to grab the next lecture/practical's books and equipment. I don't even have to cook as food is provided in the dining hall...but on the downside, dining hall food isn't always great (pretty monotonous sometimes) and for some reason, I developed allergic reactions to it for 3 consecutive days last week...lets hope it will not recur...

Speaking of allergic reactions, I think the air here is doing wonders for my sinus problems and nasal allergies. All the grenery, and the refreshing, clean air!! But this does not mean that I've seen the last of antihistamines (Yes, I'm allergic to a heck lot of stuff). As I type this, I've got a swollen, red left hand that was a result of a couple of ant bites during Pasture Walk 2 days ago. Gatton insects are quite horrifying - the HUMONGOUS mosquitoes can actually sting you through clothing and jeans, and I'm apparently allergic to the ants.....

But ok, back to living the green life here. I attempt to head to the gym every so often, in an effort to maintain physiotherapy on my leg. I know my leg will never really be the same, but I still hope to return to full fitness - I miss Taekwando, Soccer, you name it. The only sports I can play here is ping pong, as well as pool and foosball - both of it I am utterly HORRIBLE at, and that presents a whole bunch of new problems to me.

Anyway, these photos were taken during an evening walk with Laura after gym session. Beautiful scenery indeed, eh? I've really gotta bring my DSLR out here someday....

As usual, much much more photos on Facebook. I think these are enough to show how absolutely beautiful this place is....and on a slightly more random note - I've got horses right in my backyard!!

Man, one of my dreams in life is to own a horse, though that sounds pretty much impossible...lol....nevertheless, I find it therapeutic to head down to the paddock and pat and talk to the horses.

My only complaint about this place is the absymal public transport system. Its hell trying to get from place to place.in this amazingly remote area, and getting to practicals is even worse!! I had quite about enough...I don't wanna be so dependent, and I can't afford to lose out on practicals and stuff..so, yeah..I'm gonna get a car soon. The pay I'm gonna get from the tutoring I'm gonna do for BIOC1011 and AGRC2001 is gonna contribute to that, though I probably won't have much free time then...

Life is no bed of roses here, of course. But I've learnt that my problems are nothing to do with the place - it more has to do with who I am. Maybe this is what I'll have to face continuously in the future..the loneliness..the feeling of trying to be who I'm not, but frankly not knowing who I'm supposed to be..

I wanna live happily with everyone...this is university after all, and we're all living in such close proximity...I wish for a harmonious, friendly life here with everyone. But I guess its really my character - I'm really really no fun to be around, and for some reason, I dun think I'm really wanted around much. And changing myself seems kinda impossible, when I frankly don't know what am I supposed to change.

Never mind...I have no intention of polluting this post with any more emotional rantings. This is me after all...its amazing how these issues can distract and affect me so much. Maybe I should really start trying to live for myself? Not something I've been able to do, though...I find my life motivation is to live for others...

But I digress. Back to Gatton life again. Vet school life is getting tougher and tougher, and I find myself essentially killed by neuroanatomy and neurophysiology. Being so distracted (both by Facebook, and by my current problems) is NOT helping whatsoever. I've gotta get a move on...life of a vet student is supposed to be INTERESTING.....

Behold our recent Pasture walk, where I gained countless mosquito bites and that allergic reaction from the ant...

And of course, that refreshing trip to pick apples and sample wine, all along the way to Stanthorpe (well, not really a Vet event..but oh well)...

I really should stop this and get to studying - though I most probably will end up facebook-ing...oh well...

Randoms

2010-02-26T00:19:00.000+10:00

Yeah, I'm back here in Brisbane, after a nightmarish plane ride and positive hell lagging my 35kg worth of stuff all the way to Yen Mii's house (My gratitude to everyone who helped, otherwise I'll have much much worse than sore muscles today...)

Meeting Yuen Shin and Mei Ing at the airport was enough to actually make me EAGER to be at the airport - I hadn't seen those friends of mine in ages, and frankly, I owe them a dozen or more hugs - they've practically bore the brunt of my rants throughout my tougher times last year.

Plane journey....no need to elaborate....enough said.

Yenmii's place is really nice (especially compared to my previous house *shudder*) - quaint area with lots of fascinating shops and a lot A LOT of dogs. Just 2 days here, and I've already gotten licked by a Dalmatian, a Pit Bull, and 2 gorgeous Standard Poodles. Now if only I could live here...haha...

I'll be spending couple more days here, before the big move. Really grateful for Ym's food and lodging, and I'm actually feeling really guilty that I was apparently kicking her all last night? Darn...

Anyway, being back in Brisbane is familiar, yet a little strange. In the space of 24 hours, I feel myself - my whole LAZY being, that has happily immersed myself in the convenience of having my parents and friends fetch me around...to the more independant me that has survived Aussie life for the past year. I find myself checking the Translink websites again, finding my way around suburbs, and falling asleep on the trains..(What??? I'm still exhausted from the journey!!!)

*****

On a random note, I finally got in contact with my beloved Form 5 class teacher after so long (She's been in Perth for the past few years). Its quite a long story why I haven't managed to call her before this; I obtained her number before I came to Aussie last year, before realising that the number was an undecipherable number (due to Italk numbers or something?). So yeah, no chance of reconnecting with the teacher who made Biology my favourite Science subject and brought back quite a number of sweet high school memories.

Anyway, during this hols, I managed to get her proper number and this time, managed to call her - after so long. I'm glad she still remembers me, the cheeky student I was before, and to my surprise, she told me that she had stumbled onto my blog about a week before and in fact, was very updated with whatever's that been going on with my life (Including the fact that I've been eating a heck lot ever since I've been back in M'sia). Hi Pn Sunita, if you're reading this...lol....

*****

And on an even more random note, I find that I'm addicted to CSI: New York. Not just the series, mind you...but also the fan fiction. Maybe I'll try writing one someday...I haven't written since I swore it off all those years ago...but hmmm, wouldn't hurt to try...haha...

*****

Still crossing my fingers and hoping that everything will be good this year.....

Of Food Hunting and Notoriously Evil Card Games

2010-02-06T03:38:00.000+10:00

For the past 3 weekends, I've been on food tours from Malacca all the way up to Penang. Aah...Malaysian hawker food is the best - cheap, tasty, and authentic. i had scrumptious meals of everything, from Chicken Rice Balls, to Cendol, to Or Chien, to the original Ipoh White Coffee. ^^ I feel very reconnected with my Malaysian roots...haha...

I discovered a love for Or Chien...

Yay for Grilled Stingray!!

Of course, going out with a bunch of friends will include loads of random games. Learnt some sort of drinking card game from the Gamma-ians during the Malacca Trip, and therefore I taught it to the Penang trip guys. And being the good good girls and boys that we are....*perasan*....we played the whole thing using mineral water.

Should have known, I ended up the victim of the game I taught - drinking more than 2 litres in just several games!!! Nevermind...I feel very very detoxed...and plus, I had the joy of seeing my friends doing hilarious forfeits as well.

Oh, and lets not forget SS-ing. We were in a room that had so many mirrors...why waste the chance? Lol...

Anyway, here are a bunch of pics of the random places we visited...

So ends my 3 weekends of food tours.....counting the calories I've gained......>< >< ><

Photographer's Right to Copyright

2010-02-04T04:15:00.000+10:00

I'm really bored, and waiting for my pictures to load in this absymal internet connection, so thought I'd keep this blog alive with yet another random rant. Considering I've been working a lot on pictures, thought I'd address an issue that many of my friends who are budding amateur photographers have mentioned to me before - Their natural protectiveness over their photographs.

I recall hearing someone say "Can't understand why people like taking a camera around. I'd much rather be in the photos and get the photos later on".

Try seeing this from our point of view. We're the ones that carry the camera around, watch over them, take cherished shots and often, have to miss out on being in the picture altogether. While we gladly volunteer to do so, do understand we're taking them for our own pleasure and viewing - and when asking for the photos, do keep in mind that it's at our liberty to release our own property, whenever and however we want it.

Considering the effort it takes in getting the proper composition, lighting, etc etc...we're really entitled to watermark our own photos if we want to.

Why watermark? I used to wonder why blemish perfectly good photos with words.

Well, with the presence of Facebook, Photobucket, MySpace, whatever....photo uploading and sharing has become really really simple. And frankly, there's nothing more annoying to see your own hard-taken photos displayed in other people's albums, without so much as a note as to who took the photo. Its something like publishing an article/picture you wrote/painted, without credit to the author/artist.

So, on behalf of all the disgruntled amateurs out there - we're doing this as our own hobby, for our own keepsakes. Our decision to share them personally on the web is purely voluntary, and really, up to our own discretion. And, please, oh pretty please, don't upload our photos under your own names. Of course, there's a whole new story when it comes to the photographer's need to respect people's privacy, but that's another side altogether. Mutual respect, people...=)

Blogger's Block

2010-01-27T14:59:00.000+10:00

I'd never thought I'd say this, but I miss my blogging habit. While I used to complain about it a lot in the past, I miss having something to occupy my time, and something that would cause me to ponder on words to describe random events throughout the day. Now, all I need to think about is Facebook status updates...my vocabulary is so gonna suffer.....

Gosh, I can't even think of things to write...T_T

I'm counting away the remainder of my holidays; drawing closer to the time I'll have to get back on that dreaded airplane, and off to begin my new life in Gatton.

Speaking of Gatton, I'm grateful to say that we all have a place in the Halls of Residence. Hopefully, this will be a fresh start in my life in Australia.

Anyway, back to hols. I've been out almost every day - hanging out, watching movies, karaoke, food tours, etc. For 3 weekends in a row, I'm going to the food havens of Malaysia to - you guessed it - EAT!! The weekend before, it was Ipoh/Penang. Last weekend, it was Malacca, and this coming weekend, it'll be fully Penang! (I'm so gonna regain all the weight I've lost in Aussie...)

And movies - don't get me started. I've watched pretty much EVERY single movie that's out since Avatar, that's not categorised under Horror. 3 movies in 2 days, just this week. Of course, there's karaoke as well, and I've probably done more of these on this one hols than I've ever done in my entire life. Last week, the guys and I belted our lungs out for 5.5 hours, and we're planning to hit 6 hours tomorrow. Total: about 6 or 7 K sessions so far.

I guess I can say that hols have been packed to the brim, yet for some strange reason, I'm not exactly happy. I'm preoccupied with what is to come back in Qld, and I'm watching everyone drift away here, back home. I guess I've never been one to move on easily. But on the plus side, I've found that returning from Aussie has made me more sociable with friends that I never really chatted as much with in the past.

Shall attempt to update more soon.

Looking Back

2009-12-30T22:21:00.000+10:00

Looking back on 2009, I wouldn't really hesitate to say I've been through one of the worst years of my life, but also without a doubt, the one with the most new experiences. Life in a new country, while not a bed of roses, is truly an experience that cannot be compensated by any other.

So I didn't really adapt too well. So I had enough misfortune with my knee, that ended up with having surgery - resulting in a heck lot of other complications with my life in general.

In the end, its the hard times that you remember most the experiences you've learnt, and the people that have been there for you.

So yeah, here is a general overview of the "highlights" of 2009.

Well yeah, as I mentioned, I started studying Veterinary Science in UQ. Its been a dream I had never dared to dream, and I'm truly grateful that the JPA scholarship allowed me the chance to pursue my passion abroad. Before I left, there were many farewells that greatly touched me....and I swore that despite the distance, I would maintain contact with them.

My course was fascinating - throughout 1st and 2nd sem. The lessons were considerably interesting, and there was a lot of hands-on, especially in 2nd sem, what with all the dissections. I got to know my friendly coursemates, the people I would be seeing almost every day (except holidays) for the next 5 years (well now, 4)

Did a heck lot of crazy stuff as well - going to help with TPR in Tenterfield, helping out with horse research for entire nights, dressed up as a cow to give out Vet School flyers, dissected loads of animals, wrestled sheep, vaccinated cattle...you name it....

In a spur of the moment decision, caused due to my desperate need to escape Brisbane and a dire longing to see the friends who accepted me for who I was in Intec - Laura and I went to AUCKLAND. I would say that without a doubt, those 9 days wee the BEST 9 days of my ENTIRE YEAR...sad to say my best time in Aussie, was actually spent in New Zealand.

Other events in Brisbane involve volunteering in Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary, Ekka, Riverfest Brisbane, etc etc etc...

Australia Zoo

EKKA

Riverfest Brisbane

Oh, and of course...as seen in 2 posts before this...I went to the GREAT BARRIER REEF!!!! =D =D

Also this year, I joined Judah 6, Tina and Yen Mii's lifegroup. While I was really really uncomfortable in the beginning, I feel truly lucky to have had the chance to get to know this bunch of amazing people.

These group of people have been immensely supportive, especially when I was going through the toughest time - ACL surgery.

Yep, now that we've come to that topic...I really REALLY cannot believe I actually did SURGERY in Australia - during my very first year too. Come to think about it, I don't know where my courage came from...most probably from the support of my friends...but I'm actually doubtful that I would do it again, if I had the chance to turn back time. And once again I must mention, I owe everything to my dear friends, Tina and Yen Mii...the 2 people who arranged my transport, stayed with me throughout, ensured I didn't starve, helped me up and down the stairs, and to and from uni...I am eternally indebted. Thank you. Truly.

And yeah, this is a very rushed-through, and very very brief summary of my "highlights" this year. Things were hard. I didn't adapt well, and had major problems fitting in. I missed my dogs like hell, but wa lucky enough to have an amazing pet rat who kept me company through the toughest times. Rest in Peace, Casper...I'm sorry, and I miss you.

I digress. Yeah, I tried, and am still trying, to find my place. I got more depressed than I ever had been before, and it was a lasting heavy cloud that never really left. I learnt to hide my true feelings, but I also learnt how to socialise more - to get to know people, and to be more independent. I drank my first taste of vodka. I learnt more about both human, and animal nature. And as seen above, I did a hell lot of things - things I never ever DREAMT I would ever do.

In short, the experiences I gained this year, is probably more than my collective ones for the past 5 years. But regardless, the friends I've made in the past 5 years...priceless...unforgettable...irreplacable...I'm back now...back to meet up with you guys...=) =)

My wish for 2010? That it will be a better year than 2009, that I will settle down in Gatton happily, that I will have no lack of new and interesting experiences, that I'll get through 2nd year of Vet, and that I will make new friends and keep my old ones.

And that, everyone will have a fantastic year ahead.

Happy New Year, everyone.......=) =) =)

Merry X'mas & Happy New Year!

2009-12-29T18:12:00.000+10:00

This is drawn by Laura, using ONLY MSN!!!!! How cool is that?! Thanks, buddy!!!!!

And (though its a little late) MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!!!

Impromptu Cairns/Great Barrier Reef Trip

2009-12-25T01:10:00.000+10:00

I really really have lost my mood to blog. And I find it sad...T_T

Here's my considerably overdue post on our impromptu trip to Cairns/the Great Barrier Reef.

Having pretty much exhausted every place to go in Queensland, and being considerably desperate for a holiday to break the post-exam monotony, we (Tina, Jill, YM, and I) decided to go off on a trip to some Island. Our original plan was to Fraser Island, but that was quickly scrapped due to the exorbitant cost of the tours, etc.

For some reason, they suggested that we head off to the Great Barrier Reef instead, though it was definitely more expensive (Its the GREATBARRIERREEF!!! Of course its more worth it...lol...). And to cut the costs, we didn't opt for any tours, etc.

The itinerary and bookings were completed within 2 days, and I'm actually quite pleased and proud to have organised the trip in such a short time (And thankfully it wasn't a complete failure).

Before I knew it, I was on the plane to Cairns, hyperventilating during the rocky descent and scaring everyone around me. I'd gladly opt for the train journey, even though its a torturous 30 hours. We did take the train back to Brisbane, though, armed with enough food to feed a refugee camp. I was wondering how on Earth could I survive the journey, as within 4.5 hours, I had finished all the books that I had brought. Speed reading is now officially a bad thing...lol....

Once we reached, we checked into Global Backpackers, did some shopping for food in Woolies, and Tina and I went for a swim in the Cairns Esplanade, right opposite our backpackers (Thank goodness for the great location). I learnt how to "swim" using one leg, keeping my injured one virtually immobile.

The backpackers offered free nightly meals, but we were pretty sure there was a catch somewhere. And sure enough, the meals were pathetic small rounds of spagghetti/rice/mash, with a dollop of sauce. Pretty much, resembling leftovers and sufficient only as an "appetizer"...lol...

The next day, we roused early and headed to the Reef Fleet Terminal, where we boarded the Big Cat to Green Island. I wasn't expecting the boat to be quite so rocky, frankly, but thankfully I did not get seasick on the boat.

Now I can't say the same for when we entered for the Semi Submarine tour.

The Semi-sub is essentially a smallish yellow boat that has a submerged bottom, where we can have a not-to-deep diver's view of the corals and fishes. The view was good, and we saw a number of small, colourful fishes, schools of sardine (I didn't know they were that big), a little turtle, a couple of rays, some jellyfish, and an abundance of fascinating coral. It was my first time coming so close to such a diverse marine ecosystem, and it would have been awesome, if it wasn't that I was severely seasick from the incessant rocking of the small little semi-sub.

We went on the Glass Bottom Boat tour as well, but didn't see anything more spectacular than what we had already seen in the semi-sub. Or maybe, that was just because I was still very seasick.

After that, we snorkelled off Green Island, but didn't really see much - just a school of fish, a starfish, sea cucumbers, etc...common stuff...

We hadn't decided on our plans for the next day, but finally we settled on visiting the Tjapukai cultural village, as it was the cheapest option available. There, we observed a number of demonstrations, and had the opportunity to throw boomerangs and spears.

Observing the history of the Tjapukai people, I couldn't help but wonder - is this a good thing, that their culture is recognised and that we have a chance to learn and understand them....or is it sad that while this was once their land, they have been reduced to being mere exhibits for us.

I'm thankful that we did settle for taking the boat out to the reef. We boarded the Passions of Paradise, which took us to Michaelmas Cay and Paradise Reef. One of the staff came by and asked if we would like to try a free 10 min scuba dive, and while I had major doubts of whether my knee could withstand the weight of that heavy tank, I decided that 10 mins could do no harm.

Lets just say, I actually found the experience fun! Of course, I was scared for a while, before I became accustomed to breathing through my mouth, and seeing the angel fishes swim within reach of me. One day, I will learn diving, and come back here to dive the Great Barrier Reef.

Snorkelling itself was an exhilarating experience. There's a whole new world below, a world with a mysterious aura, a world of so such stark contrast to the world I've known. I never could imagine that when I averted my eyes from that bright blue sky and submerged myself beneath the endless waves, I would discover such a beautiful and unique ecosystem - coral forests of unique and magnificent shapes and sizes...fishes; some delightfully tiny flashes of shiny blue whisking past, and some large, handsome, and of every colour of the rainbow - nibbling and suctioning around the coral that has been preserved for thousands, no millions, of years.

Well ok...cut the exaggeration...but I really did enjoy it. =) The wonders of nature never ever cease to amaze me. And one day, I'll return to see more of this amazing place...deeper, maybe...

Anyone care to join me?? =) =) =)

Back =)

2009-12-15T22:41:00.000+10:00

I'm back on Malaysian soil.

Back where the toilets have no toilet paper.

Back where I've to dash across roads with ignored zebra crossings.

Back to where I wouldn't dream of stepping out of the house alone at night.

Back, receiving messages and calls from the guys, and licks from my beloved dogs. I finally feel the release of the mask I've had to wear for so long.

In all its imperfections, this place is perfectly, and simply...HOME. =)

Didn't Deserve It

2009-12-02T02:42:00.000+10:00

I didn't work for it.

I missed way too many lectures.

I never could concentrate.

I never had the motivation.

Surgery. Food-poisoning. The pain, discomfort, and distractions that came with it.

My own pathetic procrastination.

That silly case of leaving my student ID behind - and the times I stayed up all night and made myself too tired for exams.

I was prepared not to do well. I don't deserve good results.

Yet........

Thank you for the chance. I still cannot believe it. Its much better than I should ever deserve, after the pathetic effort I put in this time.

I will be motivated by this. I will work harder next time.

Next time, I won't have an excuse. =)

Back when...

2009-11-28T09:48:00.000+10:00

There I was, sitting at the bus stop when a group of Malay girls sat down. They were clad conservatively in baju kurung and tudung, a sight I haven't seen for quite a while.

I sat there, reading, and quietly listening to their fluent and very familiar malay that identified them as being of the same nationality as I am...and suddenly, a wave of reminiscence and emotion swept over me.

So Malaysian

So painfully familiar, taking me back to the times when I sat reading in the Intec bus stop, in the same heat, listening in to the same language that I so rarely hear nowadays.

I wanna go back.

Back when I could sleep longer than 4 hours without waking up.

Back when my every waking moment was not plagued by loneliness, and the feeling that I'm losing myself in an effort to find my place.

Back when I was accepted, acknowledged, and liked.

Back when going to school was something I looked forward to, and not something I dreaded.

Back when I walked at the side, and not at the back. Back when I still had the freedom to speak, and not the social obligation of saying what's "right".

Somewhere along the way this year, I lost myself. And sometimes I start to wonder...who am I, really?

To learn how to fly, you must first learn to run...

2009-11-23T23:32:00.023+10:00

I remember when I first weaned myself off crutches, walking was an awkward and conscious motion. I actually had to think and engage different muscles in my leg to lift, position, and place my leg in a semblance of a normal gait that most people take for granted.

Today, I buckled my leg in the metal brace, and stepped out along the Oxley route I jogged on in the past. The first stretch was awkward - more like a limping, hobbling attempt at a horse canter. But after a while, my leg responded; from shaky, doubtful steps to more confident, even albeit painful footfalls...and soon, I found the thrill (and pain), of my leg recalling how to do something it had forgotten for a while.

Baby steps. In half a year, hopefully I'll be fit enough to return to at least half of the active lifestyle I was accustomed to before this injury, more than a year ago...

Paradigm Shift

2009-11-21T09:57:00.000+10:00

When Tina first hauled me off to life group...well...I was beyond reluctant - I was downright unwilling.

All this while as I mentioned before in my previous post, my warped views on the religion has never really been good - not from past experience, and not from the 1.5 hours of defending myself and my religion that I had to go through a couple of months back.

I still remember my first night there - dragged by Tina. I was adamant to remain as silent and as insignificant as possible. Determined not to give my opinion in anything, regardless of whatever I was asked. I did not want to be dragged into any uncomfortable situations, and hence I'm pretty sure I was extremely aloof and very timid.

Yet somehow, I have no particular idea why I still went there a couple of other times (remind me to learn to say NO next time) and soon, after the Subdistrict Getaway, I got to know a number of the cheerful Judah 6 people.

I guess the prejudice ingrained in me for many many years, and further strengthened by all my other encounters made me as tense as if I'm in enemy territory when I'm around them. To me, it was pretty simple - I was there as Tina and Yen Mii's friend, nothing more. Overly friendly people are surely concealing some motive behind.

Its strange. I'm not accustomed to people being so "nice", especially not to me who's not even a part of the family. I'm not the kind of person whom people talks to the first time - I'm usually too boring and have nothing to say. Hence, when these "overtly friendly" people started talking and joking with me, even though sometimes I didn't even remember their names...lets just say it was strange, intimidating, but oddly quite warm.

And then, all the help I received during ACL surgery that I didn't expect nor ask for; the encouraging messages, the transport, the surprise visit, the crutches...the time when some of them dropped by during one of my late night crammings with soup and & encouraging letter...Grace's messages throughout exam period...and the fact that everyone didn't shun me away like I expected because I wasn't a Christian and still chatted me up like any other...while I still get uncomfortable during certain situations especially without Tina, Yen Mii, or Esther, I've changed my perception on both the religion, and the people. Its a paradigm shift indeed - no longer do I ward it off like some taboo or cult, instead I find myself incorporating some of the concepts into my own life. I've unwittingly started feeling like a part of them and subconciously realising I kinda enjoy life group. That I didn't have to alter my agnostic, assimilated beliefs just to fit in.

I guess what I'm saying here, is thanking everyone in life group for being so accepting, friendly, and kind to someone like me. Everything you've done means a lot to me, though I'll never express it verbally - too paiseh. =P

Post-Exam Monotony

2009-11-20T16:26:00.000+10:00

I forgot to make a proper announcement.

Exams are over. =D

Boredom is sinking in, and other issues that I've been pushing aside during exams are beginning to arise. =(

And being the professional procrastinator that I am, I have yet to actually get started to cleaning up my pigsty of a room - something I will get down to - tomorrow =P

On the plus side, I'm ticking one thing off my list - giving this bloggie a makeover. I would say its still not exactly complete, and I'm probably gonna get down to editing it more, but for now, this will do. The fireworks in the background were taken during Riverfest Brisbane.

The weather here is sweltering hot nowadays...perhaps a desensitisation for us when we head back to M'sia...........

Guilt

2009-11-19T16:27:00.002+10:00

I don't get it.

Why am I feeling emotionally disturbed after last night?

I'm 19. I'm old enough to drink, and get to know all the other 18+ stuff.

So why am I feeling guilty, like I've been violating some life principles of mine?

I had my first taste of Vodka. Choked on it too. And had to drink 8-9 shot glasses of (THANKFULLY DILUTED) Vodka. And then felt kinda sedated, uncomfortably warm, and really weird. "Stoned", apparently the word was. It was in a safe environment - a friend's house, with familiar people all around. Guess its not just the drinking...the things we talked about...I don't know...I feel disturbed, when I suppose its supposed to be a normal, social activity.

Maybe that's why.

When I thought, or maybe hoped that I had somehow managed to fit in, I realise that I'm still considered different after all. I'm boring inside out...I get that...but I enjoy the company...I'm trying to be nice and fit in with everyone; how do I do that when I don't get a chance to change who I am?

Sorry for being the boring and annoying one...sorry I never know the right things to say...sorry I'm different...

Broken Hiatus (I should so be studying)

2009-11-16T13:47:00.011+10:00

Yes, I'm well aware that I have another exam, and I've never even SEEN the lecture notes before.

I've had HECK of an exam week...I deserve (OK, I DON'T) a short break...

I concede that this time, I haven't done my best. I started studying HALFWAY through SWOT-VAC, and could barely concentrate anyway. Ok fine, I've had a whole rush of bad luck (Leg problems, Food poisoning, Flu), but that does NOT permit me to be so unprepared either. Procrastination oh procrastination...T_T

Maybe I really deserve to flunk this finals...that'll teach me to hit my Panic button a lot sooner next semester...

Exam period has been hell. 6 papers - 3 major ones from 3 different subjects on 3 days consecutively. 3 hours of sleep in 3 days. You kidding me??? We've got to study Animal Welfare, but what about our Welfare???

Safe to say, I flunked those 3 papers. One because I was utterly unprepared (Biochem/Nutrition), one because I was too exhausted to think and had been entirely dependant on past years (Cell Bio), and one.....dun ask.........

Which IDIOT would drown their student ID in the washing machine one day before a major Loco exam, and realise it 2 minutes before entry time? And when your leg's bound up in a metal brace and you know you can't get to the Student Center on time.......

Add that to the fact that the person who was sent to get me to the student center was LATE, and took me to the wrong building. Gah...I should have just walked...would have been twice as fast..

Lets just say my stifle diagrams were zigzag messes, and my hands were shaking for half an hour after the exam......>< ><

And for today's exam......gah, I should have listened to my lecturer when she said "2 out of 3 times when you change your answers in an exam, you were right the FIRST time." Enough said.

Anyway, to my main point of writing this post (when I'm supposed to be studying). I need to scrawl out the gazillion things I'm planning to do after the hols before I go NUTS...seeing status updates on people finishing exams are seriously quite a torture...T_T

Here goes...10 things I SWEAR I'll do after exams.

1. PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!! My poor DSLR has been cooped up in that bag since my surgery...I'm itching and itching to go out on a shooting spree, and I intend to do that IMMEDIATELY after exams...haha...

2. Get down to writing the back-dated blog post I had planned: Musings of an ex-OKU. I found that being an OKU (Orang Kurang Upaya a.k.a. Handicap) for a month opened my eyes on a lot of things.

3. Start playing my guitar again. I've abandoned both my guitar and violin for months, and while I know I won't forget how to play my violin so fast, I'm pretty certain I've forgotten everything about guitar.

4. Video-making. I've got 2 backlog-ed videos I've been planning to complete - a Code Geass one, and a video chronicle of my Auckland trip (yes, I'm THAT back-dated)

5. Take walks outside (Yenmii, you promised...=P). Preferably along the trail I jogged on before the surgery. My leg seriously needs strengthening.

6. Karaoke. I need it. Gotta find people to go along, though.

7. Clean my room. I feel like I'm coming back to a storeroom, considering that I spend 90% of my time in the university.

8. Maybe get a new layout for my blog...haha...

9. Go out and hang out. I'm up for pretty much anything...anyone got any plans? Lol....

10. Anything and everything that I feel like doing on the spur of the moment. Spontaneity, here I come...=)

And my resolutions when I get back to M'sia.....(still a long way to go, but it wouldn't hurt to dream...)

1. Play PIANO. I miss it. (Violin & guitar too)

2. Try correcting Junior's behavourial issues with "Positive Reinforcement" and get the "Kodak Snapshot" =P

3. Practise cycling. I'm probably gonna be cycling a lot in , and I intend to be skillful enough not to fall and break anything else.

4. Exercise. My poor, atrophied leg muscles NEED exercise. So if I'm lying in front of the TV all day, please remind me I what I planned to do...lol...

5. Format and organise my laptop and netbook ready for next year.

6. MORE KARAOKE AND HANGOUTS.....pls pls pls pls......

7. And more and more and more....=D =D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a random note, I've been randomly Googling (Gosh, am I really using a Noun as a Verb??) songs that are meaningful and have deep lyrics. Maybe I'm searching for my own meaning, maybe I'm searching for comfort in these songs. Maybe its just another excuse for procrastinating.

I discovered a bunch of songs from an American singer, Vienna Teng. And wow..her songs are exquisite. There's no other word for it. No, don't go downloading her songs immediately - what I find nice is usually what sends everyone else to sleep. But really...her songs are poems entwined in melody; its refreshing to find a singer that puts that much effort into the meaning of her songs instead of the superficial, shallow, head-banging songs we hear nowadays.

Instead of the typical "I love you, you don't love me" angsty love songs, her songs encompass a wide range of issues - fear of thunderstorms (Lullaby for a Stormy Night), abortion (Shasta), cynicity of change (Stray Italian Greyhound), people coping with death (Passage - this song is a bit too haunting for me, though), why...even the love song (Eric's song) she wrote, without the word "love" in it), has such deep, beautiful, metaphorical lyrics- it paints pictures...lol...

And of course, her voice is really good and she's an awesome pianist. =)

I haven't listened to many of her songs yet, but these are the ones I recommend so far

- Lullaby for a Stormy Night

- Eric's Song

- Antebellum

- Say Uncle

- Walter's Song (Homecoming)

- Between

- Stray Italian Greyhound

Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve us as instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize

Unless it has been somehow elusive

We write our own endings, and we have our own scars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's an example of why this singer struck a cord with me. The lyrics below are from Stray Italian Greyhound. This was what the Vienna had to say about the song: (from http://www.warmstrangers.com/vtsongnotes.html)

"I wrote it right around the time President Obama announced his presidential run. At that moment I had this thought of, "Wow, this guy has really good ideas and seems to have a really good heart that will hopefully not be corrupted by politics."

You don't see people like that very often, so I found myself thinking, "I really want to help make this happen." It was such a scary feeling, because being cynical is so much easier. To find myself crawling out of that negative space and suddenly wanting to be part of change that might have a chance of success"

It got me thinking. We've all pretty much 'settled into a glass half empty'. We 'shoot down notions that the world can change', and we put the blame on others. Nevermind about political states in the world or in or own country...or issues that have been going on like racism, animal abuse, etc etc...we pretty much have that "Nah, its impossible to change...lets just live with it" kinda attitude. Apathy is a crime too...if any one of us actually had the courage and initiative to stand up, 'rewrite the rulebook', and make a difference...we can inspire a lot more people to do so.

Enjoy =)

Oh no not now
Please not now
I just settled into the glass half empty
Made myself at home
And so why now
Please not now
I just stopped believing in happy endings
Harbors of my own

But you had to come along didn't you
Break down the doors, throw open windows
Oh if you knew just what a fool you have made me

So what do I do with this?

This stray Italian greyhound
These inconvenient fireworks
This ice-cream-covered screaming hyperactive thought
God I just want to lay down
These colors make my eyes hurt
This feeling calls for everything that I am
Not

I'm not that kind
I'm so good at shooting down any notion
This tired world could change
It's all been bought
Or at least that was my line
No use in spending all that emotion
When there's someone else to blame

But you had to come along didn't you
Rev up the crowd, rewrite the rule book
Where do I go when every 'no' turns into 'maybe'

So what do I do with this?

This sudden burst of sunlight
And me with my umbrella
Cross-indexing every weatherman's report
I was ready for the downslide
But not for spring to well up
This feeling calls for everything I can't afford
To know
Is possible now

What do I do
With a love that won't sit still
Won't do what it's told
What do I do
With a love that won't sit still

Then again, I should probably try to "Make A difference" with my ABSYMAL EXAM PERFORMANCE this time before thinking about anything else. Farewell, Pawprintz, for now....lol...

Of Sheep Wrestling & Turning 19..

2009-10-31T22:34:00.003+10:00

I'm entirely sure that when this picture was taken, no one (I definitely didn't) ever thought I'd one day be studying in Australia to be a vet.

My own life surprises me, in many many ways..

Life: its the journey, and not the destination that matters. I'm 19 years into this journey: learning, stumbling, laughing, crying...Life's DEFINITELY not a bed of roses; its a climb, but the view's spectacular.

Browsing through some old photos in a fit of procrastination led me to post a little chronology of how cute-little-me *cough cough* grew up into the awkward youth (oh wait, I'm STILL QUALIFIED TO USE THE SUFFIX -TEEN =P =P) I am now.

Most of the pics below were taken with Shiang & Yeong; it made me realise how much I miss my 2 lil bros and the times we still played together with nothing between us. I guess age just puts a gap in all relationships; sadly....

Annnnnd.......Timeshift!!

I somehow feel that I've SHRUNK.....

If I had my way, I'd be doing a nice and ORGANISED chronology of my own life. But it so happens that I'm exhausted, and well and truly aware that once again, I've wasted the entire day, that I shall leave that for another time. This blog's practically already a diary of my life...hmm....

One thing that struck me, was that I don't really have the anticipation nor excitement I used to have when my birthday drew near, like in the years before. In a sense, I was relieved - finally I'm feeling like I matured enough not to actually get excited like a kid over such things. But another part of me realised that I'm finally too old for the cake splatter/water drenching stuff...to be replaced by dignified birthday celebs and dinners.

The night I turned 18: Without a doubt, the messiest, funniest, but warm and sweet b'day celebration ever..=) I can't believe a whole year has flew by since then!!!!

Anyway, as usual, I remained in Uni until past midnight. My housemates brought a cake at 12am, and we had a little celebration. Thanks guys, I appreciate it =) =)

Anyway, anyone wanna hazard a guess as to how I celebrated my 19th birthday?

I CHASED AND WRESTLED SHEEP.

Did I mention that LAMBS ARE ABOUT THE CUTEST THING ON THE PLANET???

It was an interesting, but notoriously tiring way to spend a birthday, especially since I'm dragging one extra "leg" along with me. However, I was glad to be back in my own group, after almost an entire semester of swapping groups for the sake of my leg.

I met up with Laura and Cass during lunch (thanks for the chocs and the lovely picture). My groupmates gave me a birthday surprise as well when I returned from the toilet and everyone started singing Happy Birthday before presenting me with a HUUUUUUGE and very sweet card - awww, thanks, guys =)

Sheep prac was really fun; albeit me not really being able to take par fully in the sheep wrestling. Thanks to Deeanna and Cathy for giving me the chance to flip one of the sheep (poor sheep..lol..)

That night, I followed Yenmii to her lifegroup after much persuasion...lol..and I'm kinda embarassed to say that I could barely keep my eyes open throughout; I was so exhausted after all the shee work!! Nevertheless, I'm rather touched by the fact that her lifegroup came up with a celebration for me; who's not even really a member...I really dun feel like I deserve it. Thanks, guys =) =) (Took pics with so many people; I'm not even gonna post them here...Facebook, everyone..lol...)

Pic with my Daddy and Mummy. Got abandoned by my other Mummy...Tina was in Ipswich...lol...=P

I wasn't much more rested the day after; on the contrary, I was still feeling like a total zombie. Swee Kee, Danny, and Kai Xiang asked me to head out for lunch in the city - a sort of mini celebration. Apparently, they had already pakat with Tina, and the rest of the Vet Science-ians to surprise me that everyone was in the restaurant.

Haha, I had guessed it beforehand from Ori and Swee Kee, but I was touched that everyone would actually still come out during exam time to celebrate my birthday. We had a satisfying meal, and I had my 3rd cake of the year - getting seriously fat...lol...

Of course, not forgetting all the long-distance phone calls, sms-es, and the hundreds facebook messages..lol..

All in all, thank you everyone (Gatton Sheep Included), for making my 1st birthday in Aussie, and my last birthday as a teenager a memorable one. =)

Now, to dread the upcoming 2-0.......>< Wo Bu Xiang Zhang Da.....

Frustration

2009-10-24T15:48:00.005+10:00

I am in dire need of a good dose of moral support, motivation, a caring ear to rant to, and perhaps a good hamstring massage...>< As the days pass, I find my morale dropping. Exams are nearing, and that godawful timetable essentially means I have utterly insufficient time to study.I'm starting to panic, I've never ever left it till so late to even get started on ALL the subjects. Now at this point of time, I'd gladly lag all my stuff to the library and practically just bunk there. Problem is, its hard to lag even a laptop anywhere when you need an arm free for the crutch, and your leg already feels too flimsy to take your own weight. Do you have any idea how frustrating is it to walk? Having to move so slowly gets me awfully annoyed, especially when I know I'm slowing down the people around me. I mean, how frustrating can it be when it takes me a whole half an hour to get to the library??? >< And, pray tell me, how do you study when resting my leg in that flexed position on the ground soon gets it awfully sore, and sitting with it propped up soon gives me a backache!! I have to continuously switch position, and that does NOT help my concentration.. I already have fitful sleep at night and a sore patch on my waist thanks to uncomfortable recumbency positions. It didn't help that the bout of stomach flu I ended up with since 3 days ago robbed me of precious days of doing assignments. Did I forget to mention about that darn physiology assignment? Now seriously...which IDIOT but yours truly can come up with 3000 words for a 2000 word-limit essay, and now find it impossible to cut down???

My best remedy when I'm stressed is to go out and do something different - walk the dogs, jog, meet up with friends for discussion..and well, it seems kinda IMPOSSIBLE with a leg like this.

So people, if I happen to be grumpy, grouchy, and irritable...I apologise in advance...please understand, I'm mentally stressed, physically restricted, constantly uncomfortable, awfully slow, and pretty much unable to do anything properly, and in the face of major exams. Some encouragement and understanding would be very very helpful...>< ><

Finally standing on my own 4 feet

2009-10-17T20:21:00.002+10:00

Things are finally starting to go back to normal - I'm back in my own room, which I haven't seen in about 2 weeks. After 2 whole weeks of being pampered, I'm finally free to stand on my own FOUR feet..

These past 2 weeks have been a vacation of sorts - I feel like I've been pretty much staying in a hotel, with my 2 friends caring for my every whim. Frankly, I found the experience stressful - the pain of the injury (which was MUCH LESS that what I expected) was NOTHING compared to the stress of knowing I was being a bother to my friends. There's a million things that I so tempted to say "PAISEH!!!"; I mean, I'm even getting meals brought to me in bed, even after I knew I was ready to get back to living life independently!!! >< Thank you...words can't express my gratitude...I wasn't worth everything you did for me; I could have left after a couple of days, but still you took care of me until I'm pretty much well...Thanks for elevating my leg, helping me down stairs, preparing delicious meals, helping me with physio, even tucking me in bed at night...I really feel very blessed to have been cared for by you both...Sorry for each and every time I was a bother, for taking up space and resources, for being incessantly stubborn and adamant to go out and head to uni, for being so awfully slow and needing you to wait for me...

So anyway, having been pampered for the past 2 weeks by Mummy & Daddy, there are things I'm trying to get used to; once I finish typing this, I'm gonna try to figure out how to carry my laundry to the washing machine with crutches...cooking up meals...and getting used to the fact that my room is a whole lot colder at night compared to Tina and YM's.

Gotta get back to studying, to late nights in the library when my legs and hands can take all the walking again...my results are suffering due to all these surgery stuff - from the preparation, the actual surgery, the recovery, the bills, you name it...

Recovery is far from over, though. On the contrary, its only JUST BEGUN. I'm looking at another half a year of slow and painful recuperation...probably won't be running around anytime soon, but hopefully next year, I'll be able to do all the things on my list

1. Martial arts - maybe something less strenous than Taekwando....Aikido or Jujitsu, maybe? We'll see...
2. Horse-riding..I intend to take up lessons..
3. Jogging. Yes Tina, I'll try to keep up with you this time...\
4. Cycling - Gonna go get a bicycle.

The list goes on and on. But for now, I'm much more concerned to getting life in order again, passing my exams, and regaining range of motion in this leg. Wish me luck, people =) =)

Blog Action Day - Climate Change

2009-10-15T09:36:00.001+10:00

It took me a while to actually look up, and appreciate the jacaranda trees blooming; the undeniable sign that the spring was finally here.

Well, here in Queensland, there's not much difference between the seasons, considering thee sun is out most of the time, and we don't really get the luxury of seeing autumn leaves in flaming orange, or the stark, naked branches of winter (Sigh, and I was so hoping to see those when I left my own tropical country of Malaysia to come over here).

But as a Malaysian, living in the place of eternal summer for the past 18 years of my life, the biggest part of seasonal changes that I can feel is the TEMPERATURE. By mid-autumn, me and pretty much all the other tropical babies out there have been going to uni bundled in jackets, and shivering like dogs left out in the rain. Walking back home at midnight, when it was a mere 10 degrees was enough to make me hyperventilate and long wistfullyfor the times I sweated profusely in Malaysia (and kept complaining it was too hot too).

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, eh?

You may wonder, what the heck does Jacaranda trees and my utter inability to withstand the cold this have to do with Blog Action Day (Climate Change) this year?

During winter this year, there was one night when the temperature in Brisbane dropped to a freezing 5 degrees. In Ipswich, a large suburb not too far away, it went all the way down to NEGATIVE 1. And during that same night, the temperature in Melbourne was above 15.

So yeah, what's the point of my little weather report?

I'm not sure of my own theory, frankly, but all this while, I've assumed Melbourne, a temperate area, to be considerably colder than Queensland, which is considered subtropical. And based on what I've heard, this was the first time that there was such a drastic overturn in temperature. At that time, spurred by the irritation that it was too cold for me to concentrate on studying for my end-of-semester exams, I began to question (or more like rant at) the unpredictable weather.

Yeah, it's unpredictable. There was a week in winter that it suddenly turned so warm, and I wondered if Spring had come early. And there was a week in spring too, recently, that I spent the entire night shivering with cold, thanks to the lack of a heater in my house >< Probably that's why so many people are falling sick; thanks to the constant fluctuations in weather. According to my coursemates, the Jacaranda trees were in bloom really early this year. Apparently, they have s aying that 'If you haven't started studying by the time the jacarandas are in bloom, you're SCREWED.' So quite obviously, I'm screwed. The practical exam a couple of days ago was one sure example. But I digress. I guess my point of this whole, aimless rambling is to say that climate change is REAL. Its no longer some concept we read about in the papers, shake our heads and say we have to do something about it, and then go on with our daily lives as usual. We can SEE it taking effect in our lives and on the environment around us. And well, lets not pretend its not affecting us, because it DOES. We don't have to be living where the polar ice caps are melting, or where the next hurricane strikes, to realise that. Before I came over to Australia, I was warned about heatwaves in Melbourne and floods in Queensland. And just a week or two ago, NSW and QLD was blanketed in one of the worst dust storms ever. And for people like me with poor respiration, simple events like this can be devastating; not just to health, but to comfort and productivity as well. Asthma, allergies, stroke, heart attacks, Malaria, etc etc etc...you name it...Every single one of these can be related to the rise in global temperature; the famous phrase "GLOBAL WARMING", that we've studied about since we were school kids. I can still remember spending weeks on Global warming stuff as a module in ESLS. Yeah, awareness is no longer the issue now, because we're all very much aware of it. Its whether we choose to close one eye and continue with our lives as usual, or do we do something about it. And no, I'm not going to continue this boring rant with ways to help, because I'm 100% sure all you guys all already know - if not, GOOGLE, people!!! Hmmm...And here I am, realising that I proobably shouldn't keep sleeping with the light on all night. Practise what you preach, eh??? PS: Check out this link on the 100 effects of Climate Change. I personally found the consequences quite disturbing.

2009-10-02T13:22:00.009+10:00

I'm getting awfully restless from staying in bed most of the time. And so far I've found, that the hardest thing for me is not just the physical pain when I try to avoid taking the pain killers. Its the psychological effect of being so helpless; needing people to assist me in getting in and out of bed, into the toilet, getting dinner, etc etc. I've always been accustomed to not showing pain nor discomfort, and I usually feel uncomfortable with having special privileges/being fussed over...I'd rather protect and care for other people than vice versa.>< The menu I was asked to tick...for all my meals throughout my stay...

Tina enjoyed herself most - taking photos, sleeping, marvelling at the menu, etc etc...

Name band & Allergy tag

Mummy & Daddy. Thank you...words cannot express my gratitude to both of you...

The remote/speaker for my personal Tv.

SS-ing with Mummy Tina. What with all this camwhoring, it seemed more like a spa outing than something as morbid as a surgery...

These people continued taking photos even when I was just wheeled in!! The nurse told them that theyy were mean...lol...and I look silly!!!

Finally got back...exhausted from quite an ordeal..

Thank you for the ride, Daniel. And thank you Doris too...I really appreciate it...

You can see the 3 screws/pins now embedded in my bone...

Yeah, it looks superficial, but bear in mind there are 3 fractures underneath...the bones were drilled!! So...people...try not to jump on the bed...=P

And some visitors too. Thanks for all your concern, and for the food, fruit, gifts, etc etc...I'm seriously touched. Visitors that are not in these pics - Koo, Shen, Kaixiang, Veon, Deeanna, Xiangxiang, etc etc etc...thanks everyone....

I had a surprise visit from Christina/YenMii's lifegroup - Judah 6 at night. I was considerably ctartled and overwhelmed when practically the enture lifegroup; some of whose names I don't even know, came into the room. Was a little awkward...but it was nice to see these jolly bunch of people again; and I feel a bit unworthy of having the them visit - Many of them barely even know me that well, and still came over to say hi and say a prayer. Thanks, everyone...=)

Here's an animation of the procedure that was carried out on my leg

I decided to create a blog to join the countless other surgery-recovery blogs out there on the net. This is to document the events that happen, as well as serve as a motivation both to me, and future nervous patients that come across it via Google, like I did before the surgery.

Here's the link. Currently though, I just copy-pasted everything I posted here....haha.....

2009-09-30T00:34:00.001+10:00

Brisbane Private doesn't even feel like a hospital. The reception area more closely resembles a hotel, than a medical center. I was quite amazed. Special thanks to Doris was so kindly sending me to the hospital early in the morning...Thanks!!

Tina and Yen Mii were with me throughout, qand I really owe it to my 2 friends for being there every step of the way. Also, not forgetting all the encouraging SMS-es and facebook messages from friends all over the world......too many to acknowledge individually, well, you know who you are. Thank you for showering me with concern, for all the motivation, and for all the cute attempts to lighten up the whole thing (you're going for a facial!! Mei Ing 2009)

After a short wait in the waiting lounge (where I actually got a menu to choose my meals!!!), I was called by the nurse, who gave me a hospital name band, a bright red allergy band, took my details and vitals, and finally told me to get changed into the hospital gown + bathrobe. Thank goodness for the bathrobe; not only was it warm and cosy, but it kept me from the sheer embarassment of walking around in that exposed gown....

And so, began the long LOOOOONG wait...I still don't understand why I was asked to come at 8am, when my surgery didn't take place until 5.30pm!!! Poor Tina and Yen Mii were well and truly exhausted and bored. We did assignments, attempted to study (I certainly failed). At about 3 something pm, we were actually asked to head to the ward, where we took some photos, and continued "studying".

When it was almost 5, an attendant came and took my bed down. Cue nervous jitters. Not long after that, they came up with another bed, and this time, wheeled me down on it (I'd so rather walk..that was embarassing..><) In the pre-operative room, I made chatty small talk with the patient next to me, and the anaesthetists to keep myself from being too terrified. The nice old lady next to me, she had 2 total knee replacements!!!!! Zomg, my ACL seemed utterly insignificant, compared to her case.My anaesthetist, Dr Andrew Thang, was a friendly Chinese doctor from Seremban. He was really kindly and really patient with my incessant questions. The anaesthetist assistants were really nice too, and cheerfully satisfied my curiosity of everything in the operating theater.In the OT, I received some local anaesthetic in my arm, before Dr Thang pulled out a pretty big needle that was to go into my arm as a catheter for the drip. Thankfully, I didn't really feel it, because of the local anaesthetic in the crook of my arm.Going under General Anaesthesia was a novel experience. One moment, Dr Thang was asking me about my dogs back home, and the next, I was groggily attempting to open my eyes, wondering when would they actually operate on my leg. I swear I must have fell asleep in mid-sentence!!I didn't quite like the experience of waking up. Firstly, my eyelids were so heavy and my vision blurry. Secondly, it was SO AWFULLY COLD!!!!! I was shivering like a hypothermic, even though I was swaddled in blankets. And I still thought that I hadn't been operated on!! It took a little while for me to realise that my leg was really sore (made even worse from the shivering), and that it weighed a ton and I couldn't move it. It was then I realised that the operation was over and now began the hard process of recuperation and rehabilitation.I was taught to use the PCA (Patient Controlled Analgesics - which Tina and YenMii cheerfully told me it was probably a placebo) and then, was wheeled back up to the ward when my shivering had reduced. There, I could dimly see figures of Tina, Yen Mii and Nell around my bed. I was glad to see them, and tried to start telling them about my experience. I was pretty surprised that not long after being wheeled back into the ward, I was cracking jokes with my 3 friends; awfully sleepy, but still thinking clearly without feeling really nauseated). The pain was bearable, worsening only when I was moved; once to remove the surgical sheets from beneath me, and the next when I had to get off the bed to be wheeled to the toilet (now that HURT). I'm not even sure which incisions are hurting more; the one where my bones were drilled, or the one where they extracted the tendons of my gracilis & semitendinosus muscle (Sob...goodbye muscles..T_T)Oh, just in case anyone's wondering about what exactly my surgery's all about-1. The doctor took out my tendons, and used it to form a graft.2. An arthroscope was inserted into the knee joint, along with some other instruments to remove the ruptures ligament.3. A hole was drilled from my Tibia, into the joint cavity, and into the femur (Basically from lower leg to upper leg).4. The graft was pulled through the tunnel formed by the drill, and was then screwed into the bone using 2 screws.5. DOne. Time to wake up, with a sore leg and a new ligament. Tina and Nell soon left (after taking silly photos of me), and they had dinner in the city before catching a movie!! Waaa...I wanna go too!>< Yen Mii settled down to accompany me for the night, even with her assignments, and I was really touched and thankful for that. At some point in the night, a nurse told her she had to leave, unfortunately..and so, I was left to my own devices. I spent the rest of the night drifting in and out of sleep, clicking the PCA when things got sore, replying SMS-es, and attempting to blog.The hospital bed was amazingly cosy, and I found myself more relaxed than I otherwise would have been. The nurse kept coming in to take my temperature and blood pressure. At some point, she kept coming back, due to a drop in my blood pressure or something, but noted that everything was fine in overall.so here I am now, with some toast in front of me (nausea medicine should be wearing off, so feeling a little queasy...not exactly having the appetite to finish it all). My surgeon, Dr Macgroarthy just came in to tell me that the surgery wenI really well, and gave me the green light to be discharged from the hospital. I will meet a physiotherapist later, and I'm kinda dreading that - even getting to the toilet earlier was a pain!!! Now I know what it feels like to have a fractured leg...lol...Edit: Tina's houseOk, I survived an entire morning of TORTURE. Getting up to the toilet was a PAIN. Learning my physiotherapy exercises was a PAIN. Learning how to walk up and down steps in crutches was a PAIN. Taking a shower and trying to wear my shorts was a PAIN. Getting wheeled down and X-Rayed was a PAIN. and getting my dressings removeed on that elevated leg, was EXCRUCIATING...>< I'm really not used to being fussed over like this...

2009-09-29T03:06:00.004+10:00

Its amazing how things can change in one abrupt moment.

More than a year ago, I had a black belt in Taekwando. I went hiking, jogging, football, etc etc, as I pleased. I wouldn't say I was athletic, nor really fit...my respiratory system has never been good enough for cardiac exercises, but I was no couch potato either.

Then came the event that changed it all. BTN.

This was extracted from my post last year, just after the camp.

I was actually looking forward to this section, as it was seriously NO SWEAT for any Taekwando exponent. After all, we routinely do leg exercises far worse than that. I took off, jumping as fast as I could when suddenly, the girl next to me lashed out with her leg, and slammed right into my knee which was coincidentally bent at an unnatural angle. WHAM! The pain was a burst of excruciation, and I crashed down, not even bothering to break my fall as I was clutching my knee.

Yep, things can definitely change in one moment like that. I came back with a partial tear on my Anterior Cruciate Ligament.

At that time, it never really seemed real. I never even thought that such injuries would occur to me; I'm used to the usual bruise and sprain from taekwando...but ligament tear??

Ever since then, my mobility has been limited. I still try to do the things I want to do; I tried playing basketball, I competed on the Intec Table Tennis team, I hiked in FRIM, I ice-skated, even up to this year, when I attempted (and failed) to ski, went rock-climbing, etc etc. But every activity I do is a risk; each time I do something physical, I have to answer questions not only from my concerned friends, but also from myself -AM I REALLY ABLE TO DO THIS?

I don't want to be imprisoned by my own body. For goodness sake, I've yet to turn 19. I don't want to be sitting my youth around..I want to live life to the fullest!

So yeah, thanks to my amazing stubbornness/determination, call it whichever way you want, my knee buckled under me about 7-8 times throughout the year; when Akee was teaching me basketball, when I was training for the table tennis tournament, when I attempted to do a kick and heard a loud pop in the knee, when I attempted to chase a taxi that had my phone in it, etc etc.

And so, after the most recent one (slip in the cinema), I consented to go for a checkup again. This time, the diagnosis was far more bleak.

Before, it was a partially torn ACL. This time, it was an entirely ruptured ACL, and an extensive tear of the meniscus on the knee.

Now, surgery's no longer just an option...........

So as I lie on my bed, wide awake tonight, I ponder upon what's gonna happen tomorrow. I trust my surgeon and I trust my friends, but I'm still nervous..lets face it, who wouldn't be??

Then again, I'm treating this as a test. I'm actually proud of going through this far. I'm doing this away from home, I went for MRIs and consultations by myself all this while, I've processed hospital stuff, consent forms, etc etc by myself. At times, it felt awfully overwhelming and I questioned myself whether I was really capable of doing all these. But what I never did expect had happened, the chance checkup, finally set me on my way to getting this knee fixed once and for all...

Special thanks to everyone who's been so awfully nice and concerned. Will express my gratitude properly in my next post...haha...

Don't expect an update so soon..but don't worry about me =) =)

2009-09-22T20:43:00.003+10:00

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

This post is dedicated to my band member, librarian & QM teammate, tuition mate.

So many years.

Really, how time flies. Just yesterday, we were silly kids teasing each other in school. We were singing the kookaburra song in Mrs Fernandez class. And there you were drawing smiley faces on my Addmaths notes. (Fyi, you spread that disease to me...lol...)

There we were, watching Totally Spies in the library.

Running in the QM field.

Going out for lunches and coming back late for Taylors classes.

Teh ais, Roti Canai, and Tandoori chicken after Taekwando. (One of my fondest memories...=) =))

Much as I would like to, I can't turn the time back.

When we first knew each other, I was the bossy, annoying, stickler-for-rules, nerdy, unsociable person who used to be really grumpy to you. I'm sorry for that. And I'm not ashamed to say, all these years of knowing you have changed me. A lot. (Be proud...ish...lol...)

Even until now, knowing that you're a phone call away makes me feel so much better; whenever I had my problems in Intec, and over here, you were always the one who could put things into perspective for me. I know I really haven't been the best I could have been to you, I wasn't there during the times you needed a real friend before, and again, I'm sorry for that...it took me a while to realise what I'd always been overlooking...

Thanks for always being so patient with me; for being the constant in the different phases of life we seem to be flying through...

I guess as always, I'm worried about what time and distance will do to our relationship. Same thing I've worried about with Octaves, with everyone I've left behind. Cos only 2 cases can occur; either out of sight, out of mind...or absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I'd swore I'd always be there for you. Regardless. So, even though we're tens of thousands of miles apart, always remember I'm rooting for you, half a world away. I'll always be a call/sms/msn/skype away. I believe our bond will transcend the boundaries of time and distance...remember our promise to backpack together!!!!!!!! =P =P

I was gonna write a whole long essay on good wishes for you..but oh, why bother? Here it is...condensed into a song that I personally found very meaningful. Hope you like it...these are my sincere wishes....

Sorry, I really didn't have much time to do this, and hence its really not of good quality...

Its on 4shared for you to download too. =) =)
http://www.4shared.com/file/134557385/6517107/Yens_farewell_Vid.html

All of us will miss you. Take care, and keep in touch. Also...Thanks for Everything...

2009-09-20T11:37:00.001+10:00

Still can't believe it...too sudden...too drastic...too good too be true?

So many things feel different....

And you remembered. All of you. All these painful times of longing...healed...to know that I was in your hearts, as much as you were in mine...I will carry this with me...till we meet again...

I'm finally overwhelmed by a backlog of unwritten posts; a sign that I just have too many things to do, and not enough time to jot everything down.

Now really - where do I start?

1) We've finished dissecting our dogs and horses. Quite obviously, dissection pics are forbidden online, but pictures of enthusiastic, morbid, and considerably sadistic vet students clad in janitor overalls are perfectly fine...haha...

2) Due to a complete rupture of my Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and damage to the menisci, I'm scheduled for surgery soon. Scary, to be honest, but the prospect of regaining use of this leg after one whole year of being restricted.......One day, I'll run again...............=)

3) Celebrated 2 friends birthdays within this month - Hanna's and Maeva's. Photos on Facebook...haha...

4) Other places we've been to since my last proper update would be Ekka; an annual agricultural fair in Queensland. Perfect place for a bunch of stressed out Vet Students...

5) Went Rock Climbing and Karaoke with my Vet Friends..

5) Got convinced to join Christina's life group to the Getaway camp. It was fun (we got to go canoe-ing and stuff - but at times I felt pretty uncomfortable. I feel my beliefs shaken - and lets face it, I never knew what to really believe, anyway. To me, I was never meant to understand....but nevertheless, I enjoyed the life group atmosphere. Friendship, centered on goodwill and sincerity...its similar to life in SJBA..except here, I feel a bit like an intruder...=/

6) Brisbane has an annual event called the Riverfire, where thousands of dollars worth of fireworks are fired aalong the river. The Queensland government must be awfully rich...lol......

Just some random stuff I was thinking about...I did a little research on being an only child, and realised that the many emotional problems I faced were common among many only children. (There's actually one entire website on counselling for adult only children...and numerous research on the problems we face...really, it makes it seem like being an only child is a psychological disorder!!)

Below are extracts from what I read; common emotional issues faced by only children. I only wish...with all my heart...that people can understand how it feels, cos I'm tired of being alone....

We're oversensitive. We tend to take blame on ourselves. We're not used to asking for help. We feel better having responsibilities. we direct our anger inwards, and sadly, to the people we trust and love most. We lay our lives down for our friends, and crave a just a simple acknowledgement. We hate hearing mention about other siblings, cos it just rubs salt in the wound. We balance being introverted and extroverted, defying whichever our own nature is in order to survive...

We have an innate fear of being alone in the world, though we're used to coping - we're responsible and independant, though we not necessarily enjoy it...we crave understanding.....and more than any other, for a sibling......

While reading this feels like opening a very sore and raw wound, it also makes me feel like I'm not a freak...that its normal...

"It always feels that you’re trying to sort of make things right for everybody, give so much otherwise you feel you’ll be rejected"

"Not having the capacity to take in anything from what other people might be giving me – that felt too frightening. The only power I’ve had is in the sense of trying to give to others"

"There was a lot of anger underneath me - that’s what drove me to have so much energy. There’s a lot of anger inside and when I feel really secure in a relationship I can be angry that’s really freeing There’s a few relationships very few that I can be really angry in can really say I’m angry and I know it will be ok - that the relationship will survive."

"If somebody’s difficult to communicate with I don’t immediately think: Oh they’re difficult to communicate with. I think: Oh they’re not interested in me
they don’t like me. I know that’s the sensitivity that I bring from being an only child. I think the sense of ‘going on being’ with a group of siblings, when they don’t give you attention all the time, you are just all there together. You’ve got a connection I never had."

"May be as an only child, we haven’t learnt to be disappointed by our siblings.
So we get a shock when we automatically expect that people will be honest and moral. We get a shock if they aren’t."

"I’ll never ask for your attention unless I really need it;
I may ask softly but when I ask, please listen – by God, its important!"

"I wonder if there’s a connection
with not actually asking for help
and being an only child
whether you feel like
you’re suppose to just deal with it
on your own
because you always have done"

"Loneliness as a child
in relationships
in life
It also strikes me
I feel I have always had to cope
There was no-one
to share with as a child
everything fell on my shoulders."

"I think you take on this responsibility
for everyone else’s emotions
if somebody is angry
you’ve done something wrong
to make them angry
it’s your responsibility
to make them feel better"

My greatest fear is losing you guys...><

Ignore..just a random rant....=/

2009-08-31T22:29:00.000+10:00

Seriously, I'm amazed that quite a few people forgot that today is MERDEKA DAY..Gosh, and there I was, saying since a month ago that I wanted to celebrate it...T_T

Several hours ago, I had Malaysian/Asian food in Little Singapore. During the 1st moments of merdeka messaging my M'sian friends abroad, and singing all the patriotic songs in my computer (Tanggal 31, Keranamu Malaysia, Jalur Gemilang, Setia, Dirgahayu Tanahair), listening to the song choices for this year's 1 Malaysia, and watching 15Malaysia vids. Kinda wish I could join in the countdown to Merdeka, and play patriotic songs on my piano at midnight like I used to...

Special thanks to Erik, who was sweet enough to call & attempt to let me watch merdeka celebs, except that there wasn't any due to H1N1 and and Ramadhan puasa. I can't believe we actually chatted for what, 4 hours???

Anyway...Yeah, so we have one of the highest crime rates, we have racial discords, we have chronic economic crisis. I'm still proud to be Malaysian. So here's a little something I decided to write up..hehe...

You know you're Malaysian abroad, if:

You find all food to be expensive compared to 80 cent Roti Canai, RM1 Nasi Lemak, and RM3 Chicken rice...

You complain at the utter lack of spicy food.

You understand it when Hongkees, Malays, Singaporeans, Taiwanese, and Mainland Chinese converse, and you can surprise a hell lot of them by switching comfortably between dialects. Hey, most M'sians are Trilingual, Quadrilingual, or Quintulingual...=D =D

You get stopped in mid-sentence for speaking Manglish, and being stumped when you can't find the translation for "kesian", or "sien", or "kiasu" or something like that.

You find it considerably inconvenient to not have mamak stalls & Ramlee burgers available when you get hungry at night.

You find it annoying that shops close at 5pm.

You think 8am classes are inhumane, and can't understand how angmohs can sleep and wake up so ridiculously early.

You go to uni all bundled up in jackets during autumn/winter, and earn strange looks from everyone else when you still shiver each time you step out of the building. hey, we get 365 days of summer a year!!!

You have a natural and well-developed survival instinct to skillfully dash across roads, and it took a while to get used to Zebra crossings are actually noticed here.

You're missed the bus by 2 SECONDS a couple of times so far, when you revert back to "M'sian time"

You used to glare at that friendly Angmoh who struck up conversation when walking home at night, immediately guessing his "bad intent". Never talk to strangers, remember? Lol..

You are pretty uncertain about drinking directly from the tap the way everyone else does here.

I have loads more, actually..will add them in when I have more time to blog. But any other answers, people? =P

2009-08-15T20:52:00.004+10:00

I guess its considerably proven. When depressed, when in a state of TTMS-ing..keep yourself as busy as possible, and things won't seem as bad.

I type this now, alone in the basement of Seddon West. In 5 minutes, I will have to check on the vitals of horse JB7 in 5 minutes time. Will have to get his temp, pulse, capillary refill, check on the temperature of the ice packs..food, water, pee, poo, etc etc etc...its kinda freaky being in this secluded area alone, but I guess having the horses around make it less creepy nor lonely.

I volunteered to help up with Equine Laminitis research, taking a double shift of 16 hours from 6pm to 10am tomorrow. My job is to tend to the horses every whim, ensure that they are comfortable, record their vitals every half an hour, watch over their food and water needs, and collect pee samples as well.

Frankly, I'm not too happy about the induced laminitis, and the fact that these horses will be euthanised...

I don't quite know why did I sign up for this..a 16 hour night shift after being hard at work in Lone Pine Sanctuary today. Is it because its typical of me to sign up for everything? Is it because of my old habit..keeping myself busy prevents me from thinking too much and being depressed? Is it because I want to be there to talk to the horses, give them the love that Casper never got before he passed on?

Its not that I can't move on after Casper..I've been through the heartbreak of losing pets more times than I can count. Its being ridden by guilt. Not knowing what could have been. The lingering possibility..a high one, at that..that I could have been the one who caused my young friend's death...

Once again, I'm sorry..Casper...

Its times like this that you realise you need people to talk to..need people to understand what you're going through..and it hurts when there's no one around. Thank goodness for the kind messages from friends, especially Yuen Shin & Inging..for Christina, who took me to life group and asked me to bunk at her place so that I wasn't alone at night..

Edit: 10.39 am

I completed 16 hours on the job, and more than 24 hours I've been up and working. Frankly I'm ready to keel over in exhaustion. And the worse part is, I did not manage to study in between tending to the horses..instead, I've either been onlining, or chatting with Cathy about all sorts of stuff.

One thing that's sad, though.

JB7 a.k.a. Mocha (named by Cathy and me), was the one Maeva and the others warned me about..that he might get grumpy with thermometers, bored, give trouble...etc etc..all in all, a feisty, healthy fellow.

I watched a healthy horse deteriorate steadily throughout my 16 hours of work. I was there, scrubbing up (and even getting my fair share of) his diarrhea as it splashed 11 times all over the floor and wall. I was there, with Cathy, administering sedatives and saline, silently begging that it would ease his suffering. I watched his large eyes bulge in pain, before it slowly became a half-closed,grimace etched on his face. I hugged his large head, rubbed it and reassured him, though it was frankly more of a pleading for him not to suffer, as it was hurting me to see him in so much pain. I watched how he got agitated with pain..even got tossed by his head until I crashed into the wall..watched how he kicked and stomped his legs, and kicked at his belly which now had horrible colitis. I slowly monitored his heart rate rising..capillary refill time slowing..even watched as tears rolled down his face: probably not due to sadness but due to some sort of corneal edema, but heart-wrenching all the same.

And I wonder, why am I doing this?

I'm gonna do it again, though. I'd take the diarrhea, the urine, the gazillion times of taking rectal temperatures, the constant refilling of ice..I can't stop it, but the least I can do is make these horses last hours be as comfortable as possible. As I failed to do for Casper.

Casper, Mocha, Latte, and the rest of the horses who have yet to undergo this procedure...May you be well and happy, wherever you are, and wherever you may go..

2009-08-12T03:17:00.003+10:00

I'm so sorry.

I knew I would one day be writing a farewell post for you, but I never did expect it would be so soon. Now as I sit here and stroke your cold, stiff body, I can't stop the tears from flowing..I can't stem the memories I have of you since you first came into my life..

You were the only thing that kept me going throughout my toughest times in first sem.You were the light of comfort that took my mind away when I missed my dogs to the point that I cried. You were the reason I had something to look forward to when I came home. You were the only friend I could talk to all those times that I was alone.

And now, you're gone.

When I first picked you up all those months back, you were terrified. It took you a week before you would relax when I carried you. It didn't take you long to learn how to sit on my shoulder when I walked..you knew you could get bits of cheese from the fridge if you did that..

It took quite a bit longer to house-train you, but you clever boy, you figured it out after a while..people are always amazed that I say you are allowed to sleep on my bed and run around my room because you never would make a mess..

You even learnt to come when you're called! I was amazed..I just needed to say "Casper, come", and you would run over to my outstretched hand, expecting a scratch..oh Casper, I wish I can give you all those scratches you loved one last time, at least..

You were always so patient and loving. You didn't get mad at me even when I gave you those baths you detested..you never took it out on me when I came back late and you were bored of staying in your cage. Even when I got mad and scolded you, even when I grounded you in your cage, even when I pried your jaws open when you took forbidden food..you never once did bear a grudge against me.

I'm a failure as your owner. I didn't give you the life you deserved. I should have cuddled you yesterday night..should have done more..

Darn, how can 6 months have so many memories? Memories keep flooding through my mind..

The time when you were small enough to escape from my room and caused so much trouble..but you were never meant to be feral..you always appeared before us sooner or later..

The little games we played..when I tickled you and you would squeak and flip over, and grab my hand and lick it feverishly..and then you would run a certain distance away, but kept coming back to play tag with my hand...It was so sweet the way you always licked me..it made me feel unworthy of you devotion, and yeah..indeed I am..

The times when you would jump onto my bed to moment I pulled the covers..you would snuggle under it with me, and the very next morning, I would find you sleeping on my leg in one cosy corner of the bed..

The times when you stole food you weren't supposed to, and I had to chase you all around the room to get it back...I even had to pry your jaws open to get them out, but you never harboured a grudge towards me..

The times when you destroyed my bag, handphone charger, even my underwear..You got grounded because of that, but darn..it was funny all the same..I'm sorry, Casper, I shouldn't have...

You gave me so much more than I could have ever expected from a rat..you were a pet almost equal to a dog, and most of all, you were a patient friend and companion...

I always was proud of you..proud that you would only fully relax when you were on my arm..you would clamber away from whoever was holding you once you got a piece of food; you only felt secure enough to eat on my arm or shoulder..you would so trustingly climb up my sleeve or pant leg; you would even climb onto the bed and slink into the blanket once I got under the covers.I was your sense of security, and I'm sorry to have betrayed your trust, Casper, I'm truly sorry...

Why did you have to pull up all my computer keys? I'm so sorry..I was so annoyed that I yelled at you and grounded you in your cage..I probably have never scolded you that fiercely before..Darn, I feel so guilty now..THE LAST THING I DID TO YOU WAS SCOLD YOU...

Was it the rubber or chemicals you ingested when you did that? Was it because of me, because I scolded you so fiercely that you got stressed out? Darn, I'm sorry..I know how sensitive you are to my feelings..you even knew whenever I was sad and you would cuddle gently by my leg and lick it..and you would allow me to scratch you as you fell asleep...

Words cannot describe all those memories I have of you..all those times we had together in your short life..the joy and companionship you gave me, that I wouldn't even have survived 1st sem without..

I should have let you off..I shouldn't have scolded you so fiercely, you didn't know any better..I should have let you cuddle on my bed as you always liked..I'm sorry, I just can't put into words the guilt I'm feeling now..

People tell me its not my fault, but the fact remains that it is. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I denied it..

Please forgive me. I don't know how I can make it up to you. I'm sorry, my dear Casper..I love you, and may you be well and happy wherever you are now...

2009-08-10T18:17:00.005+10:00

Ekka pics & blog post will be up this weekend...=) =)

I visited the church yesterday..

Yes, it was an entirely new, novel experience, and I felt that I really should blog about it. (Boring rant up ahead..you have been warned..haha..but I ask that you, my dear reader, keep an open mind when you're reading this because I have proof-read this a gazillion times and am 100% certain that I have not touched on anything sensitive. I'm merely stating my points of view, and examining the positive sides of everything I see. So, if you can't even accept that I have my own mindset, then please keep those fingers off my comments link and cbox =))

Tina & Yenmii had been asking me to attend this week's session since last week, as there would be a sermon on living a miraculous life, by a pastor who had healed many people before. And yes, my dear friend felt that I should attend, at least for my knee.

The first thing that struck me about the place, was how lively the atmosphere was. There was a band, and there was lively music..everyone was singing..it was nothing like the solemn, hymn-singing image that I've come to associate with the word "church", and frankly, I liked the atmosphere =)

The 2nd thing that occured to me, was how sincere and passionate everyone was. It kinda touched me. From everyone singing those songs of praise with all their hearts, to the end, when many started praying for one another. There was so much sincerity and goodwill; it was "good aura" all around..haha...My 2 friends put their hands on me & my injured knee and prayed for me..how touched do you think that would make me feel?

The 3rd thing that struck me, was that I thoroughly enjoyed the sermon; I found it entertaining, and that the concepts of eliminating desire, attachment, doing the right thing..etc etc..was not just acceptable, it was FAMILIAR..I've heard most of it quite a number of times in SJBA, Brickfields, TDC & YDC..And perhaps that was why I enjoyed it; it was like examining at a familiar concept from a different perspective.

I guess I should recall the times in the library, when Erik and I would have endless discussions on Christianity & Buddhism points of views on the same thing, and I truly enjoyed all those chats. Or with Yangyang, we are pretty much able to debate all sorts of stuff, and I miss all those intellectual discussions...

Perhaps I should mention my own (note: vague) "religious" views first. I was brought up in the Theravadan line of Buddhism. I grew up going to SJBA Sunday School, learning about Kamma, Eightfold Path, 4 Noble Truths, etc etc etc. I also grew up learning from my teachers and SJBA speakers that it was all CHOICE; that in the end, it was up to me to finally decide what I truly believed in, and as long as it was morally/ethically right, and I felt it was right..then its all ok..the truth is essentially what you believe in..

Add that to the fact that I'm notorious for equality..I really can't see/classify people by religion in any way. In fact, I've never been able to accept the idea of having friends nor family judging people based on skin colour, religion, culture, etc. I've even chided them before for telling me that "XXX must be like that because he/she is a YYY"..Why, I even believe that ANIMALS have an equal right to life as humans, so yeah..that's just me..I believe in fairness and equality.

Back to the fact that Erik & I used to have very enlightening discussions on religion; and the best part is, we never ever agreed that either of us were right/wrong. Both sides had logic, both sides were right in many ways, and many a time, both sides would come to very similar conclusions.

And so you may ask me, having so So SO many friends asking me to go, why do I avoid going to life groups, churches, etc etc when I actually admire, and enjoy listening and examining the perspectives this religion offers?

I've always respected and liked the atmosphere in churches, life groups, etc..and the only thing that has kept me away is not the teachings/concepts/sermons etc..its just that I get uncomfortable when a distinction between Christians & non-Christians is made. Everyone in church is so nice and friendly, and I just have no idea how to explain why I'm not becoming one of them. Its not due to differences, as I said before, I find many similarities..its because I really REALLY don't see any sides to change to..I feel comfortable with where I am and what I believe in, and what everyone else believes in..While I center on Buddhism and the Dhamma, I believe in many aspects of other religions, Christianity included. I believe in what feels right to me, but I'm not saying I'm right. I feel comfortable in believing aspects of religions that make sense to me..and I don't feel the need to change from something right, to something equally right (I really don't think I'm making sense here..haha...)

As I said before, I just can't see religion as separate entities. I see religions as different sides of the same coin, a voice that ensures that people are guided morally, are able to govern themselves by the maxims of what they feel is right, and have something to show them the way when they're lost..something that people hold so dear as their personal values and practise them as a way of life.

And so, to be able to truly follow, believe, and truly "live" any form of religion, it has to really ring true with one's nature. It may be through personal experience, parental bringup, own analysis, friends, etc etc..but everyone has their own reasons for believing in their own ideology. It's what you TRULY believe is right, what truly calls out to your nature, and not something you're just following because someone said so. And I feel that we should all accept and respect that. I've yet to see someone staunch in religion to turn out bad; and I truly admire the personal values of Tina, Yenmii, my SJBA mates, etc etc.

A couple of months back, a group of people spent 1.5 hours attempting to convert me. I pretty much preached what I said above; that it wasn't that I didn't believe..I just felt comfortable to my own interpretation of religion that I didn't feel that I needed to change that. And while I appreciated the interesting discussion, I wasn't too comfortable when they told me over and over again; "We can't all be right, and we believe WE are right.", "Why can't you accept this teachings" and "We hope we can pull you back to the truth"..Why, thank you, but coercing me into accepting your point of view isn't going to work. On the contrary, I'm sorry to say it just gets me defensive.

Now a light, entertaining sermon like yesterday, filled with truths and sincerity..those are the kinds of things that will make people accept the ideas you're presenting..=)

To quote Angels & Demons, my heart tells me I'm not meant to understand. I'm not meant to know the true story, the true nature of God, the story of creation, etc. I dare not even suggest the blasphemy that I deserve such a privilege; I'm just a normal human, living my life out on Earth to the best of my own ability. My duty is to live by the principles of what is morally and ethically right and in the end, every religion, be it Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Jew, Taoism, etc etc...teaches you to do good, avoid evil, and purify your mind. =)

On a final note, I guess I should answer the question then, why didn't I go forward with everyone and ask to be prayed for by the pastor. I know my friends found it weird, especially since I had come all the way..but I had my reasons, some of which I myself can't even fathom.

While yes, I do believe in miracles. I do believe that miracles can occur, be it through Kamma or the will of God. It just didn't seem right to me to hope for a miracle during my very first visit to church; I believe sincerity is the key, and I don't feel that I deserve such selfless prayer when I'm still doubtful of my place in this society..when I'm still wary of what is expected of me..when I'm still unsure as to what to believe.

Maybe it was meant to be..maybe its Kamma that I sustained this injury..maybe prayer can help..but I'm still unsure, I'm still confused about what I believe, and I don't want to face expectations from everyone. There's too much to consider, from my own personal believes, my caring and sincere friends, and well..I myself don't know what am I really feeling.

Nevertheless, I find this an interesting topic to ponder upon. Once again, I thank my 2 friends for bringing me to church; it was quite an eye-opening experience..and for actually being so sincere and truly caring about me. Thanks guys, I really really appreciate it..*touched*..lol..

And now, I should really return to Loco. Shouldn't be wasting my time blogging, actually, but I just found this so fascinating that I just had to write it out. Hopefully no one will be offended/aroused/or whatever (I really don't see how anyway) by this =)

2009-08-07T16:32:00.003+10:00

Budding vets, with our extremely adorable and very VERY cuddly patient!!! Very compliant too..we could restrain him over and over again for Cephalic & Jugular vein access, and he was happy enough to keep taking pills as well..(Help..anyone have any idea how to resize the pics without dragging them one by one??)

Bleh, I have loads to write about, loads of pictures to post up, but so little time!!

We have practicals EVERY SINGLE DAY now. And its not just the animal handling pracs such as the one in the pic above. Dissection pracs have just started, and this means each group has just been given its own dog, with whom we'll be playing with every day. My group is now the proud owner of a black greyhound named Nescafe. He's adorable, lives in the AD lab freezer, and we just sliced up his leg yesterday.

Well, my group was in a rush, considering Nescafe arrived late and we had to catch up with everyone else. Hence, we literally ripped through his skin & fascia; wiping off the blood that was spurting from all his veins. The worse was when we tugged the skin right off his forelimb, and realised that in our haste, we had pulled out the cephalic vein, that we were originally cautioned not slice through...

Someone: Erm..is that important?
Someone 2: I think its a vein....
Tutor: Yeah, that's what's LEFT of the Cephalic vein
Everyone: Oooooops....

Lecturer: *sigh* Instant failure for everyone in the group...what a shame, you ended your vet career so early...
Everyone: O_o""""

Prac photos cannot be posted online, so this is the best that I can do. Can't figure out what those are, right? =P =P

Lets just say, we were practising the surgeon's knot...

If biochem was the bane of my existence last semester, this sem its gonna be loco (Locomotory Anatomy). We've each got a 2 inch thick book to finish in ONE MONTH, and that's just the loco part of the course..there's still the intergument part that I haven't even mentioned. On the plus side, though, Loco is definitely several gazillion times more interesting than Biochem ever was... To add to our load, we also have Digestive Anatomy/Physiology, and Cell Biology a.k.a. Physiology. The only subject that doesn't make me break out in sweat now is Animal Handling; at least the lectures are really interesting.

Somehow, I ended up awfully sick last Thursday. Maybe its just the getting-sick period, maybe its the sudden overload of loco in my brain, but its been quite a while since I've been THAT sick; until I actually obligingly stayed in bed for half a day (I'll usually NEVER do that, so that's proof how sick I was). And oh man, one night I was so cold that 4 blankets weren't enough, the next I was radiating heat that my legs felt that they were burning under the covers. I was also so dizzy that I was pretty certain I'd keel over if I got out of bed.

Nevertheless, I'm much better now, thankfully too, considering I spent the entire weekend NOT resting as I was supposed to. On Friday morning, I dragged my dizzy self out of bed and headed to uni, where I had volunteered to dress up in one of those animal costumes and promote the small animal clinic. And mind you, the only reason I'm essentially throwing away my dignity in that sort of way, is because we get paid $18 per hour that we're handing out brochures in that cow/dog suit.

Somehow, I think I would have looked less silly if I were in the canine suit...

The next day, I headed to Lone Pine in the morning to volunteer. Yeah, I've finally found a place I can volunteer, and I guess I'm actually lucky that they had a slot available on Saturdays. There's definitely a lot LESS animal interaction over here than what I'm used to in SPCA, but a lot more things to do in learn. I was assigned to work with the mammals and hence, my day was filled with raking dingo enclosures, chopping up hundreds of fruits for bat feed (seriously, I never knew chopping up fruits was that much work), and preparing food for the other animals as well. It was really fascinating (not to mention tiring).

I still miss shelter work, though. Hopefully next year when we move to Gatton, I'll get to volunteer in the nearby RSPCA or something...

The very next day, people from the Tzu Chi academy (the one that I helped take photos for last week) picked me, Peh Hwa, and a number of other people up and headed to Sunnybank. We were to have a tree-planting event there, in conjungtion with National Tree Day. Getting down on your knees in the soil and planting native Australian shrubs is F-U-N!

After lunch in Indooroopilly, Peh Hwa and I headed home to change. Having obliged Tina that I'd attend the Cultural Fiesta, I walked over to Jillian's place, and took the CityCat with Jill, Amy, Nell and Oriana.

The Cultural Fiesta was held in QUT, and as its name suggests, many of us were clad in cultural clothing. (Ok, not ALL cultural..there was a Muay Thai boxer and some soldiers as well..). Tina, Jill, and I wore Baju Kebaya (It took quite a LOT of convincing before I wore mine..hehe..)

It started out with a dance performance by the CCM people and I must say, I thought the opening dance was the best performance of all. It kind of hit me, when I was watching the dance, that it had been AGES since I've last sat in an auditorium and watched a performance, much less ones by students. Kinda reminds me of SMKSU/Intec days.... Apart from that, there were a number of other dances, a game show, a fashion show, and that was it for the day.

We took a couple of pictures outside, before having dinner with Tina's life group in Cyber City. So yeah, I've pretty much been all about Brisbane in one day. Planting trees in Sunnybank, lunch in Indooroopilly, headed back to St Lucia, went to the Cultural Fiesta in Kelvin Grove, had dinner in Fortitude Valley, and finally headed to the city before getting back home. I'm all beat...

Seriously, I need more than 24 hours in one day. Give me 5 extra hours or so, and I'll be able to get a nap after class, ample time to study at night, and get me properly rested for the next day. What with my ridiculous time table now (classes from 8-5 and 8-6 EVERY DAY), by the time I get home, I'm too tired to even think...and coming back to the library at night only means I'll study 2 pages or so before falling asleep. I've gotta work out a proper schedule for my day...><

I'm learning independance...slowly...I'm trying to just keep my mind on lessons and classes..to just spend my time alone in the library when I have breaks..to hide out in my own room at home..seriously, no one cares anyway, so why should I?

2009-07-27T19:28:00.003+10:00

Wanna know just how stressful the semester will be? The first day will give you a VERY GOOD IDEA.

Day 1 is always supposed to be an introduction to the courses, as well as some revision of the concepts needed in the course, right?

WRONG.

Day 1 of Veterinary Science Semester 2 involved 3 FULL-ON Anatomy Lectures, and another 2 Physiology lectures. Pracs (that are usually supposed to start a week after lectures begin) will commence TOMORROW.

Gosh, how am I gonna survive the whole semester if I'm already beaten up on Day 1? I can't even wrap my head around the amount of things that were taught today, and now I'm exhausted, sleepy, and have a splitting headache.

We've also gotten our allocations and the details for our Animal Handling pracs. Now that poses another issue to me; we're supposed to castrate and cut off the tails of innocent cattle, lambs, pigs, you name it. WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC!!!

Ok, I know this is part of the job as a veterinarian, but I know myself; I can't even bring myself to kill the termite in our 1st Histology prac class in 1st sem!! Its one thing to inflict pain with the intention to heal (ie: injections, etc..), but castrating, de-tailing, and teeth & beak clipping?? How on earth am I gonna do that??

And to top it all; the sheep prac in Gatton coincides with my birthday. Castrating and slicing the tails of INNOCENT LAMBS is not my idea of a good birthday celebration....

Aiiih...dun wanna think about it.....not yet..............

I can only hope this semester will work out for me; both mentally, physically, and emotionally....

Anyway, a brief update on my pre-semester weekend activities before I bury my nose in the Anatomy books for tomorrow's pracs.

Last Friday, I met up with fellow DSLR owner and JPA friend, Peh Hwa. Together, we headed to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary for a full day of photography. There, I had the opportunity to see loads of animals that I usually don't have the chance to see; such as FLUFFY, FURRY CHICKENS (Silky Bantams), a joey peeping out from his mother's pouch (I'm still very proud of that shot), raptors in flight, scores of koalas, and a couple of Dingoes and Tasmanian Devils. As usual, pictures are on Facebook..I'll post up a couple soon when I have the time...

The next day, against the warnings of the physiotherapist, Akee and I went with Tina, Yen Mii, and the CCM people to Mt Coot-tha. Somehow, my knee survived the hike up...lol...

And on Sunday, I followed Peh Hwa to the Tzu-chi Academy where she volunteered. They were holding a calligraphy class/competition for the students in the school, and they needed photographers for it. Well, it was good experience...though I was feeling really "zhi bei" at the fact that these AUSSIE EDUCATED kids know better Chinese than me...><

I'm really sorry for the extremely brief post on these activities, but my brain has pretty much DIED, and I have the Textbook of Medical Physiology right next to me, reminding me that I'm already very left out on my very first day....

Will update more during the weekend. Over and out....